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U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever be just a few microns away from Donald Trump's penile flesh?" Sometimes, I have to say, I just cannot believe my luck. I could never have guessed when I woke up yesterday...

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Arts & Entertainment

NBC News to Track How Many Americans Die From COVID During RNC Broadcast

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- NBC News has decided to display a real-time tracker...
Arts & Entertainment

Lori Laughlin to Star in Limited 2 Month Series “Full Big House”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- Actress Lori Laughlin will not only spending time in prison for...
Arts & Entertainment

Palpatine Blames ‘AntiSith Anarchists’ for Use of Death Star on Alderaan

CORUSCANT -- In an emergency address, Emperor Sheev Palpatine confirmed that the Death Star's...
Arts & Entertainment

President Will Distribute Copies of Mary Trump’s Book at Future MAGA Rallies

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump cannot be all that thrilled about his niece...
Arts & Entertainment

Disney Assures Visitors They Can Still Hurl Racist Insults at Employees While Riding Updated Splash Mountain

ANALSLIME, CALIFORNIA -- This week, Disney became the latest corporation to reconcile its problematic...
Arts & Entertainment

Skeletor Disappointed He Looks More Like Kellyanne Conway After Plastic Surgery

Editor's note: If you find yourself offended by this story, try to remember how...
Arts & Entertainment

Ron Perlman Offers to Cast Ted Cruz In “Go To Hell, Boy”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- Actor Ron Perlman has reportedly reached out to a Republican senator...
Arts & Entertainment

Trump Orders Dave Chappelle Arrested for Slaying Candace Owens

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump told reporters this morning that he has directed...
Arts & Entertainment

Trump Condemns Antifa Propaganda Like “Saving Private Ryan,” “Inglourious Basterds,” and “Indiana Jones”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Trump continued his administration's all-out blitz on AntiFa, a...
Arts & Entertainment

Pat Robertson: “You Will Go To Hell for Loving Baby Yoda and Baby Jesus”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Pat Robertson has a stern warning for Christians who...
Arts & Entertainment

Satirist Beginning to Suspect He May Secretly Be a Prophet

Aspiring satirist Johnathon Flake expressed a growing conviction to friends and colleagues today that...
Arts & Entertainment

Cornelius Fudge Says Coronavirus Seems Well Contained and Magical Economy Can Re-Open ‘Immediately’

ENGLAND, THE WIZARD WORLD -- Former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge gave an interview...
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U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....
Lifestyle

Nothing Says Understanding American Freedom Like Cheering for Teenagers to Get Beaten by Cops

"...one thing I have now learned is that fascism and freedom of speech are...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)