I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

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“Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever be just a few microns away from Donald Trump’s penile flesh?”

Sometimes, I have to say, I just cannot believe my luck.

I could never have guessed when I woke up yesterday morning that I’d be conducting such a historic and relevant interview by that evening. And as I followed a few accounts that live-tweeted the proceedings in New York City’s trial of Donald Trump on charges he illegally tried to influence the 2016 election by paying a porn star to be quiet about their sexual encounter, I really could not have predicted that a key figure from that day’s testimony would be speaking to me about that day. The future, as Mr. Joe Strummer so brilliantly put it, is unwritten.

So here now is a good portion of my interview with the condom that Donald Trump decided not to use the night he gave porn star Stormy Daniels the Ol’ Ivanka One-Two*.

JAMES: Wow, Unused Trump Condom, where do I begin?

UNUSED TRUMP CONDOM: Well, for starters, with my name. I’m actually Cornelius T. Bonercover, and I’ve never officially been linked to Donald Trump in any official capacity.

JAMES: You just happened to be there that fateful night?

CORNELIUS T. BONERCOVER: Yes, precisely. And believe you me, it was an experience I will never forget.

JAMES: How so?

CORNELIUS: Well, I mean, if you’re a mechanic and you’re in a garage, and you can see that a car needs an oil change, ordinarily, you feel kind of bummed if you aren’t the one who gets to help out and change that oil, right?

JAMES: Right…

CORNELIUS: Well, in my case, I’m a mechanic that’s glad I didn’t have to wrap myself a around a shriveled 1946 Ford and help him get all his…sludge…out, if you catch my drift?

JAMES: Let me see if I can summarize for you.

CORNELIUS: Okay.

JAMES: Usually, condoms like you –

CORNELIUS: In general, we prefer “Prophylactic Americans,” as a community, but we’re not offended by condom.

JAMES: Noted! So, Prophylactic Americans usually want to be involved in protecting people who engage in sex from getting diseases. But in this case, you’re glad that Donald Trump decided to raw dog the woman he said looked a lot like his daughter, right before he raw-dogged her?

CORNELIUS: Bingo.

JAMES: Any reason in particular?

Cornelius laughs for what must have been a solid thirty seconds.

CORNELIUS: You told me followed today’s testimony.

JAMES: I did.

CORNELIUS: So you remember I was in the room with Donald Trump’s penis, and he just told a young woman she reminded him of his own daughter?

JAMES: Yes, of course.

CORNELIUS: Well, Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever be just a few microns away from Donald Trump’s penile flesh?

I barfed for what must have been a solid thirty minutes.

JAMES: Sorry about that. No, definitely not. In fact, just the thought of being that close to his –

I barfed for another thirty minutes.

JAMES: Sorry, I know my barfing has made us run late, so I can end this now and let you get back to your life. But basically, you’re telling me that you felt an overwhelming sense of relief that you weren’t asked to perform your duties that night?

CORNELIUS: Yes, exactly. I’ve never felt so bad for someone’s vagina in my life, but boy was I glad it was Stormy’s vadge that was gonna find out what Don’s mushroom feels like, and not me. Besides, let’s be real, I would’ve spent most of those precious six seconds sliding off anyway, and it’s not like I’m a Magnum like my buddy Kendrick, and what good is a rubber that won’t stay on in the first place?

*inches


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