A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

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“…I’m not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off.”

Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man he bested in 2020, Donald J. Trump. For the first time in decades, the candidates will ditch the Commission on Presidential Debates and hold their televised argument over which one is young, lithe, and intellectually astute enough to be the most powerful geriatric in the world without the CPD’s input or involvement.

How consequential will the debates be? That’s anyone’s guess, but I do know for certain that I just got done speaking with someone who may figure quite prominently in whether or not Biden can beat Trump when the two square-off.

Yesterday afternoon, I got an email from a D.C. firehose. He’s been working with the fire department in the nation’s capitol for several years, but this was the first time — he told me — that he’d been asked to do something like this. According to this firehose, he was retrofitted to a sceptic tank, and now he just spews toxic diarrhea whenever his valve is open.

Which is exactly why Joe Biden wanted him.

JAMES: So the Biden team just reached out one day and asked if you’d like to be his debate prep partner?

FIREHOSE: Yeah, basically. That was before I got hooked up the sceptic tank, though. Once I agreed to be his debate partner, Joe asked me if I’d mind it much if I was hooked up to the sceptic tank.

JAMES: And did you mind it?

FIREHOSE: Nah, not at first anyway. I figured that was the only way I was gonna accurately pretend to be Donald, know what I mean?

JAMES: If you were spewing diarrhea?

FIREHOSE: Right, precisely. 

JAMES: And how are you feeling now, after a few mock debates?

FIREHOSE: Pretty shitty, actually. But I have to say, I think by about the fourth time I unleashed a torrent of white-hot liquid shite, I really started to get into the mindset of the guy I was pretending to be.

JAMES: So you’re a bit of a method actor, then?

FIREHOSE: I guess so, yeah. I mean, I’m not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off.

JAMES: Any plans to do more acting, once the debates are held?

FIREHOSE: I’m not sure. SNL already has their Trump impression guy, and it seems like that market is already pretty full. But, I will say if the right project comes along, I’d be willing to put on the spray tanner, slide on an ill-fitting suit, and spew more diarrhea, sure.


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