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I’m a Single Issue Voter, and It’s Enabling Right-Wing Authoritarians If I Don’t Get My Way

By
James Schlarmann
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The following piece was submitted to us by reader Gary Neophite, who describes himself as a “progressive liberal socialist who hates Donald Trump” as well as a “single issue voter,” which he says may lead him to not voting for President Biden in this year’s election.

“I want an ideologically perfect, clean candidate who only says and does things I completely and totally agree with on this one, very important issue. To me. Is that such a selfish and bad thing to ask for?”

We all have issues we care about. The one, single issue I care about? It’s the most important. Out of all of them. Yes, even yours.

As a progressive liberal American, I know better than any other progressive, liberal American how progressive liberal Americans should vote. And I know that how we should vote is based on my feelings surrounding a single, very important issue. To me.

If the Biden administration doesn’t do literally exactly what I want them to do about that single issue, I will have no choice but to not vote for him this November.

With so many issues facing Americans these days — climate change, gun violence, a lack of universal healthcare, skyrocketing costs of living, a war on drugs that still hasn’t ended with millions of people still locked-up for no good reason, and a bevy of other hot topics — it might be easy to think that we should coalesce a coalition that cares about many of these things, and push our common goals forward, while making sure that the ever-present and growing threat of a religious extremist, far-right power grab doesn’t come to fruition, and then live to hash out our policy differences another day. It might be easy to think that way, but it’s wrong.

Dead wrong.

Sure, in this country we literally only get two viable options for the presidency. But I’m pretty sure if I stamp my feet and sit out the election, then something will change, right? Has anyone else thought of that yet? Have any other previous generations tried to use absenteeism and single-minded zealotry to force the system to change? I’m pretty sure if I do a little research, I’ll find tons of instances third party and protest voting blocs that in no way, shape, or form, had any impact on the election, and did not in any way enable the other side to win.

I just Googled “Ross Perot” and “Ralph Nader,” and as soon as I read those articles, I’ll add what I learn, to bolster my strong points.

It’s folly to think that we can’t drop every other vital issue and solely focus on my personal feelings about just one of them. It’s not like if the country happens to elect a far-right authoritarian that they’ll set about destroying American democracy to the point that we’ll never be able to eject them from power again, and it’s not like there’s some well-documented Project 2025 about that very thing, right?

The bottom line? It’s my right and my privilege to stop helping America stay a democracy, especially if it means compromising a single bit. I want an ideologically perfect, clean candidate who only says and does things I completely and totally agree with on this one, very important issue. To me. Is that such a selfish and bad thing to ask for?

Even if I am being selfish, so what? Don’t blame me for being selfish when you could blame yourself for not being self-sacrificing enough to vote the way I tell you to.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

Alabama Authorities Are Looking for Me Because They Found Out I Had a Wet Dream

By
James Schlarmann
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“I can’t tell you where I’m at, or how long I’ll be here, but as long as the biomaterial in my testicles makes me a target there, I’ll never return to Alabama again.”

Oh boy. I really stepped in it this time. Or well, actually, to be technically correct, I rolled over into it. The biggest mistake I made, it would seem, is following new Alabama law and reporting my nocturnal emission – my “wet dream” — to the Yellowhammer State Jizz and Precum Patrol. Something told me I should just let it go, pack up my things in the hotel room I was staying in, and put the soiled sheets in my carry on bag.

But, I was worried about being stopped at the airport, and it looking like I was trying to smuggle pre-born kids out of the state. The last thing I wanted was a charge of almost-human trafficking on my record. So I did what I thought was the right thing, and I called the YSJPP. I regretted it as soon as their agents arrived at my room.

First, they made me show them my genitals, so they could dust them for prints. They were under strict orders to investigate if George Soros had a hand in what they told me was an investigation into my “proto-genocide” of billions of what the state calls “extrauterine babies.” My stomach sank as I heard them warn me that as a result of my calling them to report my wet dream, I could die in an Alabama prison.

I knew I had to run. What I didn’t know was how to get them distracted enough to where I could ditch the agents. Then, it struck me like a bolt of lightning.

“Hey guys, when I was walking down the hall to my room last night, I think I heard a woman about fifteen rooms down talking about how she has the right to do with her body what she wants. Sounded a lot like she thought she had agency over her own genitals to me,” I told them.

They were immediately alarmed and concerned.

“We are alarmed and concerned,” the lead agent told me. “Not within this state’s boundaries she doesn’t. Wait right here. We’ll be right back after we investigate this horrible situation.”

I did not wait right there. I took my cue, and bolted out of there as fast as I could. Not wanting to raise suspicions, I forewent my flight out of Alabama and hitched a ride on a big rig out of the state, giving the trucker a fake name as I climbed into it. I knew, though, that this was just the beginning.

When I got home, I searched local Alabama news sources and found a klan pamphlet that mentioned my case. Then the calls from the YSJPP started coming. So I went on the lam. I can’t tell you where I’m at, or how long I’ll be here, but as long as the biomaterial in my testicles makes me a target there, I’ll never return to Alabama again.

Let my story be a warning to anyone who visits the state. If you do, don’t jizz while you’re there. And if you do jizz, even on accident, do not, I repeat DO NOT, call the authorities.

Just. Get. Out.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

I Just Got a Sneak Peak at Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Signature Shoe Line

By
James Schlarmann
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“I lied to him and told him that I was a friend of the Sasquatch lawyer that Kari Lake hired to try and get the results of the 2020 Arizona presidential and gubernatorial races overturned, and that made him trust me enough to send me pictures of Marjorie’s shoe line.”

When ex-President Donald Trump arrived at the 2024 SneakerCon — a convention of shoe fanatics — and held up a pair of gaudy, golden tennis shoes emblazoned with a “T,” which I think stands for “tremendously criminally liable for rape and a failed coup,” a lot of people were taken aback. Selling for about $400 a pair, it would take Trump selling about a million and a half pairs of his shoes to cover the legal fines he owes to the woman he sexually assaulted and defamed, as well as the people of New York for defrauding them over decades in shady business practices.

Many wondered if there can really be enough people out there able to afford $400 tennis shoes at enough of a clip for him to be able to even make a dent in the $100,000 a day in interest his fraud penalties incur. Still others have wondered if anyone will ever see a single shoe they pay for, given Trump’s reluctance to deliver on anything he promises. But one plucky congresswoman — who happens to be a High Priestess in the MAGA Cult — simply took inspiration from her Dear Leader and is releasing her own signature shoe line.

I have a few friends in the shoe business, so I called around looking to see a preview of Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s shoe line. Greene teased the shoes during a recent podcast and klan rally held at Alex Jone’s house, inside Dan Bongino’s asshole. But none of my contacts in the shoe biz could find them. That’s when I got a hunch.

I started calling stables and blacksmiths all over the country.

Finally, after about three days of calling, I found the blacksmith in Bedford Forest, Georgia who designed Marjorie’s new shoe line. I lied to him and told him that I was a friend of the Sasquatch lawyer that Kari Lake hired to try and get the results of the 2020 Arizona presidential and gubernatorial races overturned, and that made him trust me enough to send me pictures of Marjorie’s shoe line.

To say they’re ugly is an understatement. I can certainly see how they’re functional and study though. It’s just that they’re kinda plain looking. Also, if I’m being honest, they don’t look all that comfortable, and the blacksmith told me they have to be nailed into your feet to wear them. Ouchie!

As much as I wouldn’t buy her shoes because they’re so ugly and not comfortable, I also wouldn’t buy Margo’s shoes because the proceeds go to local Moms for Liberty orgy parties and Trump’s legal defense fund. We all get to choose where our dollars go, and who they support, so I’m making my choice. Though, it’s a free country and if you have a want or need for some Marjorie Shoes, then by all means, cash that Social Security check and buy them.

As ugly as her shoes are, I will say they aren’t without some value. After all, for $400 you can get two Trump shoes, but for $150 and/or a bag of oats, you can own four — count ’em four — Marjorie Shoes. That’s a bargain if I ever heard one.

Sure, most people can’t wear them, and could only wear two at a time even if they had the right biology, but it’s the culty thought that counts, isn’t it?

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

Why Aren’t Liberals Grateful to Live in the World’s Most Exceptional Shooting Range?

By
Dustin Pewpsin
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The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and former NRA executive board member Dustin Pewpsin. The dystopian thoughts and sociopathic opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, his fellow overly-compensating gun nut golf buddies, and a few million psychopaths; not necessarily those of this outlet, its ownership, or management.

I know I ask this a whole lot, but..

What in the hell is wrong with liberals?!

Every time we have a mass shooting in this country, liberals start screaming from the rafters that we’re not “doing enough” to address gun violence. That means every single day I gotta go online and remind people that the Constitution literally says we can only offer, at most, thoughts and prayers. Per the Constitution itself, those thoughts have to be pro-gun and those prayers have to be to the Southern Baptist’s version of God, and that is it.

That. Is. It.

Why are liberals so ungrateful? You get the idea listening to them — if you can stomach turning down the genius of Dan Bungholio, or Fecal Clay Travis, or whichever vapid, blonde, Nazi youth loving commentator is on OAN right now long enough to do so — that they think we live in the world’s largest shooting range, just because every twenty-four hours there’s at least one mass casualty event related to gunfire in this country.

As stupid as that notion sounds, though…so what if it’s true?

Isn’t being free a small price to pay for living in the world’s most awesome shooting gallery? Doesn’t the almighty dollar and holy, blessed, scared capitalism outright demand that we feel like those wooden ducks in a shooting gallery — all lined up with targets on our bodies we can’t actually see?

If you don’t answer “Hell yeah” to those questions, are you even a real American? You know, a good, clean, melanin-free, chicken non-seasoning, Christ loving, ammo hoarding, REAL AMERICAN?

Because those of us who are real Americans wake up every darn day so damn grateful to motherfuckin’ live in this blessed target range we call the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave Unless They Claim They Have Bone Spurs! If you don’t wake up, and that same sense of pride doesn’t feel at least as strong as your very real fear of being gunned-down in church, at a movie theater, in school, or turning around in someone’s driveway, then I think you are not, in fact, a real American.

Everything about living in America is exceptional, because America is so exceptional! Poverty, systemic racism, lack of resources or affordable medical care? All of it? EXCEPTIONAL. Living in a dystopian live shooting range day in and day out? Something to be grateful for.

We’re grateful because we know life presents us with so many binary choices in life. It’s only “Capitalism vs. Commie-Nism,” “Being a Christian Nation vs. Democracy,” and “Freedom and Liberty vs. Full-Blown Tyranny.” Buck up, buttercups. Or at least vest up and buy a decent tactical helmet from your local army surplus store.

Because we real Americans intend to work hand-in-glove with the NRA, and their Russian oligarch financers, to keep this country loaded for bear, locked and loaded, and stocked up on far more ammunition than IQ points. You can thank us later, when we’re in our forced prayer and praise for Dear Leader session together. And until then, I leave you with the only thing I really needed to say about this whole thing:

SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

What DO You Get The Horse-Faced Cave Troll Insurrectionist In Your Life for Valentine’s Day?

By
James Schlarmann
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“…a lovely new feedbag might be the way to go. But she just signed an exclusive endorsement deal with a Chinese company to have her feedbags made in the same facilities MAGA hats are made, so that’s out.”

Well, I’m in a bit of a bind. I waited until the very last possible minute, and now I’m down to the wire. Frankly, I’m little out of ideas, too, so there’s a sneaking feeling I’m starting to get that whatever I get her simply won’t be up to her high standards, and I’m panicking a little bit, so I’m going to open up the floor here to suggestions.

What do you get the horse-faced cave troll insurrectionist in your life for Valentine’s Day?

Keep in mind, this is not a romantic relationship for a bevy of reasons. First and foremost because horse fucking is illegal in most states, but also because, well, when Elsa dies at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I don’t really care, so why would I be into a congresspony from Georgia sexually, considering she holds most of the same views as Elsa did? Thinking about it, though, I’m not sure even Elsa was dumb a Nazi to believe in Secret Jewish Space Lasers.

But I digress. Let’s stay on the topic at hand — gift suggestions for a horse-faced cave troll insurrectionist.

You might be thinking a lovely new feedbag might be the way to go. But she just signed an exclusive endorsement deal with a Chinese company to have her feedbags made in the same facilities MAGA hats are made, so that’s out. I thought about a pair of shoes, but then I realized I’d actually need two pair — one for each set of her hooves — and I couldn’t decide which style of shoe fits her best, so that was out of the running.

I thought about maybe a nice new crack pipe, because if she’s not sucking down a Monster energy drink, she’s usually counted on to be hitting that glass dick. However, the person in charge of cleaning her congressional stall every night told me that ever since she and Mike Lindell’s dealer had a falling out, she’s seemed far less into crack, and has switched to snorting Adderall like her favorite cult leader does.

I was all set to buy her a new copy of one of her favorite religious texts, but Amazon and Barnes and Noble both were out of stock of Mein Kampf, and even though I thought she might like a copy of The Art of the Deal, I realized right as I was about to complete the transaction, that she can’t read anyway.

My last idea was to get her a copy of the impeachment articles against Secretary of Homeland Security Alex Mayorkas and have them framed. Then I realized that as much as I don’t like her, it’s not nice to give someone something so utterly meaningless as a gift. There’s another good idea down the tubes.

So I’m stuck. I have no ideas, and I’m quickly running out of time on Valentine’s Day to get the horse-faced cave troll insurrectionist in my life something, and I’m hoping someone out there can help me before it’s too late.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

Tucker’s Putin Interview Was the Most Boring BJ Video I’ve Ever Seen on the Internet

By
James Schlarmann
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“…in the interest of fairness, and admittedly settling a sense of curiosity I had about whether Tuck is a shaft man, taint guy, or balls baron, I went over to Elon Musk’s Nazi chat site, and brought up the video. I gotta say, too, it was extremely, extremely, extremely boring.”

Hey man, I tried, okay? I really tried.

I’m not someone who likes to live their lives in a bubble. I try expose myself to things that might be difficult, or that could challenge my opinions and beliefs. For no other reason, than to understand how others think and feel about stuff.

That being said, I really had no interest in watching that BJ video that Tucker Carlson put out with Vlad Putin. For starters, there are already a lot of BJ videos on the Internet. I’ve never done an official count or anything, but I’m thinking that there are probably at least as many BJ videos as there are cat videos on the web, and while I have nothing against a BJ video, I just didn’t think I’d be able to find the time to watch Tucker’s BJ video, not with all the rest of the things I wanted to do yesterday.

Still, in the interest of fairness, and admittedly settling a sense of curiosity I had about whether Tuck is a shaft man, taint guy, or balls baron, I went over to Elon Musk’s Nazi chat site, and brought up the video. I gotta say, too, it was extremely, extremely, extremely boring.

Of all the BJ videos on the Internet, I think Tucker’s Putin BJ is the most boring. I didn’t learn any new BJ techniques, but I did get a really long-winded revision of history from Putin where he lied about pretty much all the things. I can’t recall a single other BJ video I’ve seen online that’s got more talking than BJ’ing, though the really weird part is that as the video went on, I started to realize that the talking was the BJ.

Fascist conservatives like Tuck and Vlad are just into a different kind of kink than most,  i guess. And I’m not here to shame them for that. I just think if you’re going to put out a BJ video, and debase yourself so hilariously, you might as well have an actual BJ in it, and not just a long, metaphorical one.

Maybe that’s just me.

Don’t get me wrong. The Tucker/Putin BJ video does have some things in common with traditional BJ videos. In most of the BJ videos I’ve seen, for instance, one of the participants doesn’t do as much talking, and mostly just gets out garbled noises and grunts while the other person defiles them. So in that regard, Tucker and Putin did in fact put out a traditional BJ video. Then again, for a BJ video, it really was nothing more than a lot of ass kissing, and if I wanted a video of ass kissing, I’d watch a video with some kissing of ass on either Pornhub or Fox News’ archive of Trump interviews.

The bottom line is that as a liberal guy I’m okay with any adult producing a BJ video. I don’t think it should be illegal for Tucker to do a BJ video with Vladdy Poot-Poot. I just think he’d get a lot more viewers if he delivered more of the goods, that’s all.

__

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

If I Can’t Vote for a Monarch With Immunity, I Don’t Have Freedom, Do I?

By
James Schlarmann
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The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and author Dustin Pewpsin. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily those of this outlet and its management or ownership.

“I love America, but I do not love about  65-70% of Americans, mainly because they believe stupid stuff like we shouldn’t have presidents that are above the law.”

It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that the Constitution was written by Never Trumpers.

I say this because that document apparently gives the so-called “Judicial Branch” of our government the right to hold former presidents — even white, pretend Christian pretend billionaire ones — accountable. The Constitution I guess has these very left-wing Soros-funded things called “checks and balances in them,” and lets courts and even Congress tell our Good Kingly President he cannot do something! And apparently that Constitution is so anti-Trump, it’s what gave the D.C. circuit of appeals the ammunition they needed to rule that Donald Trump isn’t immune from prosecution for crimes he committed. I have this dark, sinking feeling that means Trump can’t just shoot people out on Fifth Avenue if he wants to.

What a terrible precedent this sets.

All we good, clean, ammo hoarding, Jesus Loving, gay-kid hating, clitoris denying American patriots have demanded this whole time is the simple ability to elect a permanent monarch. We want someone who can be president — as long as they’re a REPUBLICAN — forever and never get brought up on charges for any crimes he commits! What is so un-American about a president who is better than everyone else he serves?

Plus, clearly, we’ve shown — not so much with evidence but with our deeply held conspiracy theories — that we can’t trust any election result where we don’t win. And the best way to always win is to never have a real election, which means we should get to install a king.

But what good is being king, if stupid, DemonRAT, lib-todded jerks on the left can just find “evidence of your crimes” and prosecute you in court with it? That doesn’t remotely sound like America to me. At least it doesn’t sound like an America I choose to live in.

I love America, but I do not love about  65-70% of Americans, mainly because they believe stupid stuff like we shouldn’t have presidents that are above the law.

What good is a president who can’t just do whatever he wants without any consequences? Don’t we want a president to have the power to nuke California if he doesn’t like how mean they are to him? Don’t we Americans, we TRUE Americans, have a right to force every other American to live under a lawless, tyrannical, former reality-TV game show host’s reign of stupidity and born again daughter lust…if that’s what we want?

Up to this point, I’d tell you to find me a place in the Constitution that says presidents aren’t immune to prosecution, but the D.C. appeals court made it clear that as I said earlier, that document was written by Never-Trump cucks. So at this point, I don’t have answers. Just a lot of hurt feelings, and I don’t know where to direct them.

Maybe I’ll go storm a capitol to work my big emotions out. Check back in later; I bet that helps really clear my head.

__

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

Tallahassee Pill Sees His Shadow and Will Have Four More Years of Not Being President

By
James Schlarmann
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“He could still be president of his local chapter of the Proud Boys, or president of the local Go-Go boot manufacturer’s union, just not of America.”

Most Americans learn who Punxsutawney Phil is when they’re in grade school, and usually it’s on or around Groundhog Day. Every February 2nd, a groundhog that lives in a tiny town in western Pennsylvania is hauled out of his cage and everyone pretends to ask him if he’s seen his shadow, which would foretell of a little longer winter, if he did.

Perhaps, though, fewer Americans know about The Tallahassee Pill.

He isn’t a relative of Phil, not in any kind of genetic sort of way. Although, some have wondered if the Tallahassee Pill — who also goes by the name “Ron’ — isn’t at least a member of some rodent family or another. Regardless of how well-known he is, the Tallahassee Pill also stepped out of his domicile today and saw his shadow. We asked local Florida residents what that typically means, as before today, we did not know about this particular tradition celebrated every year in the Floppy Dong State.

“When the Tallahassee Pill steps out of his governor’s mansion on Groundhog Day and sees his shadow, it means he will have four more years of not being president,” Professor Sally Simpkins told us.

“That’s President of the United States, mind you. He could still be president of his local chapter of the Proud Boys, or president of the local Go-Go boot manufacturer’s union, just not of America. He’s less popular than a adjudicated rapist, conman, and literal traitor, so he probably never had a real chance, but once he saw his shadow, he knew his goose was cooked for time around.”

Gary Ganeux, a 54 year old carpenter from Port St. Fellatio told us that he “feels sorry” for the Tallahassee Pill, but that his state is probably more in need of a governor, than what the Tallahassee Pill has provided Florida since his failed presidential campaign started last year.

“My cost of living has skyrocketed here in the Christofascist Empire of Florida. My homeowner’s insurance was canceled last year when the company left the state, and both my parents and my in-laws died of COVID in 2021, but nobody from the state even acknowledged it,” Mr. Ganeux said.

“So as much as I feel sorry for the the little guy, it’s probably for the best that he at least try to look like he’s doing the job he was elected to do, and not the one he really wishes he had right now.”

Spokespeople for the Tallahassee Pill told us he was too busy cancelling the month of February to “prevent reverse-racism” to give a comment on this story.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

To Save Trump’s Business Empire, It’s Time to Hand Control to Taylor Swift

By
James Schlarmann
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Clearly, nobody currently on Team Trump has any idea how to run a business legally. So even if a New York judge does decide to let the Trump Klan continue to do business in the state, it would only be a matter of time before that business was shuttered, unless the ex-president and his crotch-fruit decided to do illegal things to keep it afloat.

Hear me out.

Obviously, there is nothing more important, nothing more relevant to the continued survival of the Republic than Donald Trump’s business empire. Sure, it’s built on a lifetime of nepotistic built-in advantages that were ultimately flushed away each time he started and ran a business into the ground. Sure, he bankrupted a casino, which kind of proves he probably shouldn’t even be a “businessman” to begin with, but if you ask the assembled, unwashed, red-hatted patriotic masses if Trump were to be treated like any other lifelong conman would be treated once the long arm of the law caught up to them, those consequences would spell the end of freedom, the death of liberty, and the conclusion of the American Experiment.

Clearly, nobody currently on Team Trump has any idea how to run a business legally. So even if a New York judge does decide to let the Trump Klan continue to do business in the state, it would only be a matter of time before that business was shuttered, unless the ex-president and his crotch-fruit decided to do illegal things to keep it afloat. And other than “all the time,” when has that happened?

I completely believe the MAGA movement when they tell us that Donald Trump losing his business empire would literally be the worst thing to ever happen on this continent. You know, if you discount the wars and slavery and whatnots. At any rate, because I truly buy into the notion that the Trump Organization simply cannot go under, there’s just one very simple solution to this whole mess.

The judge should make Taylor Swift CEO of all Trump businesses. The upsides to this proposal are unending.

Think about it.

Trump’s businesses would be run by an actual billionaire, not a pretend one. Also, Taylor clearly knows how to be rich and successful, while Donny only knows how to pretend to be both. Then there’s the fact that Taylor presumably knows how to read and spell and doesn’t want to fuck her own daughter. Although…she doesn’t have a daughter yet, so I should probably reserve judgement on that aspect until when or if she does.

Still, I imagine it might be scary at first, for Trump’s businesses and those who run them currently. Any time a new boss comes in, people who have already been working at any place of business might be afraid they’ll lose their jobs. Who knows? Maybe new CEO Taylor Swift will make drastic cuts, but I think in a lot of ways, not much will change.

Swifties are very devoted to Taylor like MAGAs are devoted to Don. What’s one cult of personality for another? Then again, I can’t recall the last time a bunch of T-Swift fans stormed Capitol Records demanding they sign her immediately to a lifelong contract, so maybe I’m not done thinking this whole thing through just yet.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

 

I Finally Saw Hunter Biden’s Dick. The Bad News for Republicans? It Didn’t Make Me a Fascist.

By
James Schlarmann
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Midge was so intent on making sure that every American saw Hunter’s cock that she showed everyone in America Hunter’s cock during an actual, literal congressional hearing.

I tried for as long as I could to avoid it. Mostly because, well, it’s Hunter Biden’s dick. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some dicks in my day; not just my own. I’m not anti-dick. Or, rather, not anti-seeing-dick. I just, well, let me put it this way, I also never wanted to see Eric or Donald Trump Jr’s dicks. Or even Chelsea Clinton’s vulva.

I know this sounds crazy to a lot of people, but I’ve just never had much interest in seeing the genitals of any politician’s offspring.

But they wore me down.

That horse-faced lady representative from Georgia, Margo McGee, I think her name is? Anyway, she’s pretty relentless. Midge was so intent on making sure that every American saw Hunter’s cock that she showed everyone in America Hunter’s cock during an actual, literal congressional hearing. At the time, it just felt like revenge porn, but I guess something just finally snapped.

It might not have even been Malarkey Taylor Greene who got me to take a gander at Hunter’s ding-a-ling. Maybe it was that nice fella Gymbo Jordan who cares so much about Ohio athletics that he would not investigate allegations of sexual assault while he was a coach in the state. Maybe he was the one who convinced me to check out Hunter’s pecker. Or, I guess it could have been that dude with the southern accent and those interesting loan arrangements with his brother, James Cumbubble, I think his name is?

At any rate, something inside me knew that until I just relented and agreed to scope out Hunter Biden’s peen-ween, they wouldn’t leave me alone. I mean, how many more times would I have to be bombarded with revenge porn in a congressional hearing if I didn’t just agree to take a deep breath and let Mango show me his dick?

So…I finally saw Hunter Biden’s dick. I did it. I did what the Republicans have been begging me to do for literal years, and I looked at a dick pic of the president’s son…

…and nothing really changed for me.

Now, I don’t know what Malignant Marge and her cohorts wanted to have happen after I saw Hunter’s dick, but I can confirm that nothing really happened. I’m still going to vote for his dad this year, and more importantly, I think, I’m not even 2% more fascist after seeing his dick. I don’t care that transgender people want the same rights as cisgender people because that is extremely logical and humane. I don’t want America to be a Bible-Thumping dystopia of racist nationalist hatred, even after seeing Hunter’s schvantz.

I think Jim and Mr. Cumbubble were hoping that just the sight of Hunter’s dick, and probably his balls, would turn me into a goose-stepping, red hat wearing, cross burning, Tiki torch carrying, neoconfederate conservative Christofascist, but that didn’t happen.

What did happen is I saw Hunter Biden’s dick. That  part happened.

Thanks, Marjorie?

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© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)