Alabama Authorities Are Looking for Me Because They Found Out I Had a Wet Dream

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“I can’t tell you where I’m at, or how long I’ll be here, but as long as the biomaterial in my testicles makes me a target there, I’ll never return to Alabama again.”

Oh boy. I really stepped in it this time. Or well, actually, to be technically correct, I rolled over into it. The biggest mistake I made, it would seem, is following new Alabama law and reporting my nocturnal emission – my “wet dream” — to the Yellowhammer State Jizz and Precum Patrol. Something told me I should just let it go, pack up my things in the hotel room I was staying in, and put the soiled sheets in my carry on bag.

But, I was worried about being stopped at the airport, and it looking like I was trying to smuggle pre-born kids out of the state. The last thing I wanted was a charge of almost-human trafficking on my record. So I did what I thought was the right thing, and I called the YSJPP. I regretted it as soon as their agents arrived at my room.

First, they made me show them my genitals, so they could dust them for prints. They were under strict orders to investigate if George Soros had a hand in what they told me was an investigation into my “proto-genocide” of billions of what the state calls “extrauterine babies.” My stomach sank as I heard them warn me that as a result of my calling them to report my wet dream, I could die in an Alabama prison.

I knew I had to run. What I didn’t know was how to get them distracted enough to where I could ditch the agents. Then, it struck me like a bolt of lightning.

“Hey guys, when I was walking down the hall to my room last night, I think I heard a woman about fifteen rooms down talking about how she has the right to do with her body what she wants. Sounded a lot like she thought she had agency over her own genitals to me,” I told them.

They were immediately alarmed and concerned.

“We are alarmed and concerned,” the lead agent told me. “Not within this state’s boundaries she doesn’t. Wait right here. We’ll be right back after we investigate this horrible situation.”

I did not wait right there. I took my cue, and bolted out of there as fast as I could. Not wanting to raise suspicions, I forewent my flight out of Alabama and hitched a ride on a big rig out of the state, giving the trucker a fake name as I climbed into it. I knew, though, that this was just the beginning.

When I got home, I searched local Alabama news sources and found a klan pamphlet that mentioned my case. Then the calls from the YSJPP started coming. So I went on the lam. I can’t tell you where I’m at, or how long I’ll be here, but as long as the biomaterial in my testicles makes me a target there, I’ll never return to Alabama again.

Let my story be a warning to anyone who visits the state. If you do, don’t jizz while you’re there. And if you do jizz, even on accident, do not, I repeat DO NOT, call the authorities.

Just. Get. Out.

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