“…a lovely new feedbag might be the way to go. But she just signed an exclusive endorsement deal with a Chinese company to have her feedbags made in the same facilities MAGA hats are made, so that’s out.”

Well, I’m in a bit of a bind. I waited until the very last possible minute, and now I’m down to the wire. Frankly, I’m little out of ideas, too, so there’s a sneaking feeling I’m starting to get that whatever I get her simply won’t be up to her high standards, and I’m panicking a little bit, so I’m going to open up the floor here to suggestions.

What do you get the horse-faced cave troll insurrectionist in your life for Valentine’s Day?

Keep in mind, this is not a romantic relationship for a bevy of reasons. First and foremost because horse fucking is illegal in most states, but also because, well, when Elsa dies at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I don’t really care, so why would I be into a congresspony from Georgia sexually, considering she holds most of the same views as Elsa did? Thinking about it, though, I’m not sure even Elsa was dumb a Nazi to believe in Secret Jewish Space Lasers.

But I digress. Let’s stay on the topic at hand — gift suggestions for a horse-faced cave troll insurrectionist.

You might be thinking a lovely new feedbag might be the way to go. But she just signed an exclusive endorsement deal with a Chinese company to have her feedbags made in the same facilities MAGA hats are made, so that’s out. I thought about a pair of shoes, but then I realized I’d actually need two pair — one for each set of her hooves — and I couldn’t decide which style of shoe fits her best, so that was out of the running.

I thought about maybe a nice new crack pipe, because if she’s not sucking down a Monster energy drink, she’s usually counted on to be hitting that glass dick. However, the person in charge of cleaning her congressional stall every night told me that ever since she and Mike Lindell’s dealer had a falling out, she’s seemed far less into crack, and has switched to snorting Adderall like her favorite cult leader does.

I was all set to buy her a new copy of one of her favorite religious texts, but Amazon and Barnes and Noble both were out of stock of Mein Kampf, and even though I thought she might like a copy of The Art of the Deal, I realized right as I was about to complete the transaction, that she can’t read anyway.

My last idea was to get her a copy of the impeachment articles against Secretary of Homeland Security Alex Mayorkas and have them framed. Then I realized that as much as I don’t like her, it’s not nice to give someone something so utterly meaningless as a gift. There’s another good idea down the tubes.

So I’m stuck. I have no ideas, and I’m quickly running out of time on Valentine’s Day to get the horse-faced cave troll insurrectionist in my life something, and I’m hoping someone out there can help me before it’s too late.

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