I Finally Saw Hunter Biden’s Dick. The Bad News for Republicans? It Didn’t Make Me a Fascist.

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Midge was so intent on making sure that every American saw Hunter’s cock that she showed everyone in America Hunter’s cock during an actual, literal congressional hearing.

I tried for as long as I could to avoid it. Mostly because, well, it’s Hunter Biden’s dick. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some dicks in my day; not just my own. I’m not anti-dick. Or, rather, not anti-seeing-dick. I just, well, let me put it this way, I also never wanted to see Eric or Donald Trump Jr’s dicks. Or even Chelsea Clinton’s vulva.

I know this sounds crazy to a lot of people, but I’ve just never had much interest in seeing the genitals of any politician’s offspring.

But they wore me down.

That horse-faced lady representative from Georgia, Margo McGee, I think her name is? Anyway, she’s pretty relentless. Midge was so intent on making sure that every American saw Hunter’s cock that she showed everyone in America Hunter’s cock during an actual, literal congressional hearing. At the time, it just felt like revenge porn, but I guess something just finally snapped.

It might not have even been Malarkey Taylor Greene who got me to take a gander at Hunter’s ding-a-ling. Maybe it was that nice fella Gymbo Jordan who cares so much about Ohio athletics that he would not investigate allegations of sexual assault while he was a coach in the state. Maybe he was the one who convinced me to check out Hunter’s pecker. Or, I guess it could have been that dude with the southern accent and those interesting loan arrangements with his brother, James Cumbubble, I think his name is?

At any rate, something inside me knew that until I just relented and agreed to scope out Hunter Biden’s peen-ween, they wouldn’t leave me alone. I mean, how many more times would I have to be bombarded with revenge porn in a congressional hearing if I didn’t just agree to take a deep breath and let Mango show me his dick?

So…I finally saw Hunter Biden’s dick. I did it. I did what the Republicans have been begging me to do for literal years, and I looked at a dick pic of the president’s son…

…and nothing really changed for me.

Now, I don’t know what Malignant Marge and her cohorts wanted to have happen after I saw Hunter’s dick, but I can confirm that nothing really happened. I’m still going to vote for his dad this year, and more importantly, I think, I’m not even 2% more fascist after seeing his dick. I don’t care that transgender people want the same rights as cisgender people because that is extremely logical and humane. I don’t want America to be a Bible-Thumping dystopia of racist nationalist hatred, even after seeing Hunter’s schvantz.

I think Jim and Mr. Cumbubble were hoping that just the sight of Hunter’s dick, and probably his balls, would turn me into a goose-stepping, red hat wearing, cross burning, Tiki torch carrying, neoconfederate conservative Christofascist, but that didn’t happen.

What did happen is I saw Hunter Biden’s dick. That  part happened.

Thanks, Marjorie?

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