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The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

By
James Schlarmann
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“…my wife and I weren’t planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I’m going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won’t be rolling through the state any time soon.”

You can probably imagine my confusion when I opened up the mailbox yesterday afternoon to find an official-looking envelope from the State of Arizona. I don’t live in the state, but there the letter was in my mailbox anyway. As surprising as it was to get mail from Arizona, the really baffling thing was what the envelope contained.

“Dear Sir,” the letter began, “the Supreme Court of Arizona recently upheld an abortion ban that was written during the Civil War era. As one might readily conclude, that ruling effectively gave control of every person’s uterus in the state to their closest male companion, spouse, friend, or significant other. Included in this envelope is the title, or ‘pink slip,’ for your spouse, friend, or significant other’s uterus.”

Reading further, Arizona officials explained why I was getting the pink slip for my wife’s uterus, even though we don’t reside in there.

“You may receive a uterine title  – even if you are not currently residents of the State of Arizona – in case you and a woman you are in a relationship ever visit here. State law will require you to license and register your wife/girlfriend/lover’s uterus and vagina with the official agencies listed on the included info sheet within an hour of crossing state lines.

You will be required at the time of registration to provide proof of ownership of any uteruses in your current possession. Please keep this uterine title safe. However, copies can be purchased for $500, and all proceeds will go the Donald Trump Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fine Fund.”

To be honest, my wife and I weren’t planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I’m going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won’t be rolling through the state any time soon. If Arizona can figure out how to restore my wife’s agency over her own genitals, though? Who knows, maybe we can go visit the Grand Canyon or something.

For now, I’m just going to put the uterine title in a folder in my filing cabinet where I also have my Antifa membership card and my copies of Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. I figure that way, if the shit goes down, and we need to travel through Arizona for some reason, I’ll know exactly where to find them.

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Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

By
James Schlarmann
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“…when I was researching Hunter’s dick pics again last night, I noticed something I hadn’t seen in the previous six thousand times I’ve looked at them.”

To this very moment, I’m really not sure why she called me, of all people. We’re not friends; we’re not even acquaintances. But for some reason, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene called me up, out of the blue, yesterday, and she told me she wants me to help her spread the word about a new theory she’s got percolating in the salad bowl full of fetid mayo and moldy noodles that is what doctors call her “brain.”

Given that she believes in things like secret space lasers, I couldn’t even begin to guess what her new theory would entail. Then, she laid it on me.

“You know those earthquakes New York City had a couple days ago,” Greene asked me, not hesitating for me to answer before she continued, “Well, I was wrong about them being signs from God, and I want to admit that, publicly, right now.”

Greene said she knows now she was wrong to tweet that she thought the recent Manhattan-based earthquakes were signs from God that America was headed in the wrong direction. Instead, the great-granddaughter of the Confederacy says  she stumbled upon evidence that showed her the true origin of the quakes. That origin?

Hunter Biden’s dick pics.

“It’s just so simple now, really, that I have all the evidence right in front of me. It wasn’t God. God loves America, and he particularly loves Donald Trump, who lives in America, so God prolly wouldn’t strike an American city, even a lib-tarded one like New York, with a quake,” Greene explained. “But when I was researching Hunter’s dick pics again last night, I noticed something I hadn’t seen in the previous six thousand times I’ve looked at them.”

What Marjorie saw, she told me, chilled her right down to her bones. She let out a neigh of anger and stamped her hooves in outrage and sadness in response to what she saw.

“It was there, plain as day! Hunter’s dick has been working directly with George Soros and Barack HUSSEIN Obama to bring this country down from within. First they do the earthquakes, then they do full-blown commie-nism,” Greene insisted. “It’s just, well, it’s so obvious to me and anyone who thinks like I do. I hope that this horse face leading them to water makes the American people drink, but unfortunately the Constitution still says they can do whatever they want as far as voting goes.”

Ms. Greene told me she plans to keep showing people Hunter Biden’s dick until one of two things happens.

“Either seeing Hunter’s dick will convince enough people to go MAGA, or the Supreme Court will rule King Trump is immune from prosecution, and when he’s rightly returned to his throne, he will deal with this entire mess,” Greene said. “I just can’t wait for the American people to finally wake up to the dangers posed by Hunter Biden’s dick.”

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Because of DEI, My Black Friends Don’t Like My Confederate Flag Collection No More

By
Jethro Bohiggins
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The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Q. Bohiggins. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Bohiggins are only those of Mr. Bohiggins, and not those of this outlet, its ownership, or staff. 

I seem to be personally hurt by the idea of someone who doesn’t look like me getting a chance to contribute in any meaningful way. And why would I be personally hurt if it wasn’t because I was being literally robbed at gunpoint of something I never knew I had in the first place?

The inevitable backsliding of this country under Democrat – excuse me, DEMONcrat – control continues unabational.

Cultural Marxism, which we all know is the true root of the rot at the core of the liberal mindset, has begun to truly infect every aspect of our lives. Wokism is gone amok. And it is costing us dearly on college campuses and in Hollyweird movies I don’t even know why I care about because they’re all pedo groomer demon worshipers anyway.

But now the price of these George Soros financed Antifa-inspired attacks on the cultural fiber of this great nation I love about 30% of the populace of have taken a very, very personal toll. Thanks to cancel culture and the woke mind virus, I don’t have no black friends anymore. And I blame, as any wise America First MAGA patriot would, DEI.

What’s DEI?

Well, it’s not Don, Eric, and Ivanka, as I had originastically thought. So, I’m gonna get my DEI tramp stamp tattoo lasered off as soon as my Trump Sneakers come in and I can sell them for an enormous profit. If the commies who run the capitalist stock market didn’t force Truth Social to admit how shittily it was run, my $DJT stock alone would prolly cover it. But anyway, I digest. Let’s get back to the topic at hand.

DEI has robbed me of my black friends. Okay, my black friend, singular, but still…it just galls me. Here I thought I had made friends with one of the good ones, and the next thing you know, I’m gettin’ in a full blown argument with her over my collection of confederate flags and memorabilia!

THANKS, OBAMA.

So what is DEI, if it ain’t an arachnid for My Forever President’s three blessed crotch fruit? It means “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion,” which if you’re like me and follow the teachings of Christ taught in the New King Trump and Greenwood Holy Bible, then you’re quite skeptical. It sounds like commie bullshit, this whole entire notion of loving and including everyone, as if you’re not automatically better than them because you believe in the right God and your skin tone is appropriate devoid of melanin!

And the truth is that it makes me both sad and mad that people don’t seem to get how harmful and reverse-racist DEI policies are! They’re, by design, giving minorities a chance which means they have to be taking SOMETHING away from we whites, right? Isn’t that how it works?

I seem to be personally hurt by the idea of someone who doesn’t look like me getting a chance to contribute in any meaningful way. And why would I be personally hurt if it wasn’t because I was being literally robbed at gunpoint of something I never knew I had in the first place? See what I mean, fam?

There I go digesting again, though. I do apologize. I get so mad about DEI to begin with, but now that I’ve lost my dear black friend over it, I just can’t keep my brain settled enough to explain just why I’m so mad about DEI right now!

So I guess I’ll just leave it there, because I’m sure you all get why DEI is to blame for my black friend not liking my confederate flags or sample of Robert E. Lee’s jizz I got from the vet who did the autopsy on his favorite horse. Why be-Labrador the point, know what I mean?

 

The Easter Bunny Plans to Give Plan-B and Contraceptives to Red State Teenagers

By
James Schlarmann
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“Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result of letting states ban abortions? [That] sounds absolutely ghoulish to me. And you know who else agrees with me? Jesus.”

You can probably imagine how surprised I was to get the call this week. After all, it’s not that often that one has any interactions with magical creatures, even less so when they’re in the middle of one of their busiest seasons of the year. But, there I was at home when I got the call.

“James? Is this James,” the voice on the other end of the line asked, almost as if they knew already who I was. I confirmed for whoever was on the other end that it was, in fact, James. “I know it is.”

Then came the first surprise of the call.

“This is Roger T. Easterbunniferous, but most people call me The Easter Bunny,” the voice said.

Now, the soft, gentle lilt in the voice made more sense. So did the fact that every so often I’d hear them munching a carrot.

“Anyway, I was just calling because out of the 8 billion people on Earth, you’re literally the best person to break this news for me.”

“What news, Mr. Easterbunniferous,” I asked with breathless anticipation.

“Well, as you know Saturday night I’m gonna be out dumping baskets on kids all over America,” Easterbunniferous told me, “and I thought you might like to know that I have special plans for kids who live in the red states.”

I think he could tell I was still in a bit of shock about getting a call from The Easter Bunny, and therefore still kind of speechless, because Mr. Easterbunniferous just kept right on talking.

“I’m gonna make sure I include Plan-B and contraceptives in every single basket I drop off to teenagers living in states like Alabama, Texas, and Florida. Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result of letting states ban abortions,” he asked me, “which just sounds absolutely ghoulish to me. And you know who else agrees with me?”

He didn’t give me much of a chance to think before answering his own question.

“Jesus. That’s who. Jesus Hubert Christ told me he thinks this is a great idea,” Easterbunniferous  said proudly. “He told me he can’t figure out who in the Hell gave all those Christian fundies down here the idea that he wants women to be sex slaves from the age they start their periods, so he told me not only does this have his blessing, he put me in touch with the folks who make Plan-B and they gave me an incredibly good bulk rate on those pills.”

Easterbunniferous told me he had to get going, but he said he was grateful that I’d help him get the word out about what he was giving red state teens this year.

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

By
James Schlarmann
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When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can’t help but get the image of a truly Christ-loving, America First patriot. At least that’s what those of us who have had a brain lobe removed and/or who listened to Rush Limbaugh for three decades (same thing, really, medically speaking) know and believe. So when Mr. Trump announced this week that he was teaming up with singer Lee Greenwood to release the “God Bless the USA Bible,” which can be yours for only $60, it made total sense to me.

Granted, we all know that if Barack Obama or Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton released their own Bibles, American Christian Conservatives would rightly call that “blasphemous.” However, we also all know that when a rich, white Republican man does something, it’s automatically good. Ergo, the Trump/Greenwood Bible is A-OK.

Now, given that Sleepy Bo-Beepy Biden’s economy is so bad we can’t even afford $400 a month in Let’s Go Brandon merch AND food, I figured I’d get my hands on an advanced copy of the Bibleible, and for those of you who Biden has assaulted with full-blown Commie-Nism, you can read some excerpts from it.

So here now are some of my favorite passages from the God Bless the USA Bible.

“In the beginning, the world was full of losers and haters. Then, God said, ‘Let there be Trump,’ and everything was bigly better forever, Amen.” – Genesis 1:1-2

“Then God rested on the seventh day, because he’s not smart enough to know he should have spent all seven days on the golf course pretending to work and shouting at the press about injecting bleach, or whatever.” – Genesis 1:66-69

“Have no other Trumps before me.” Exodus 12:54

“Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, but thou shall covet thy son-in-law’s wife. Hard. Covet the fuck outta that ass.” – Exodus 20:17

“And Jesus wept because Donald Trump actually won the 2020 election, but those cuck Democrats just kept counting legally cast ballots because they’re assholes.” – John 11:35

“If your name is Ivanka, turn the other cheek and let Daddy see what you had for breakfast.” – Matthew 5:38-48

“Lo, there will be one day a baby born to a pair of rich racists, when a man in a white hood mounts and lays with a confederate flag draped over a flaming cross. His name will be Donald, and he will one day have children dumber than he is, somehow, though one he shall want to pipe out. Hard.” – Mark 5:24-45

“The Good Samaritan was a commie bitch.” – Luke 10:25

“Treat the stranger in your land like a brown-skinned little terrorist.” – MAGA 666:1-2

“It is easier for a rich man to fit through an eye of a needle because he has a lot of money and can just pay some idiot in a red hat to tell everyone he fit his fat ass through that needle’s eye.” – Bannon 5:45-47

“If math hurts your feelings, storm a capitol about it.” –  The Book of Stephen Miller 4:3

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I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

By
James Schlarmann
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“…imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring campaign and kept talking about my captured Antifa brethren.”

Just over three years ago, an angry, unruly mob attacked the nation’s capitol. Very few in our government had the kind of intelligence it takes to see that attack for what it was: A coordinated assault planned and carried out by Antifa operatives. But there was one congresspony from Georgia who not only called it for what it was back then, she has been working tirelessly to get those Antifa soldiers freed from prison while they await trial for their participation in the January 6th insurrection.

And you know what? I applaud her for that.

As a card carrying member of Antifa, Inc., I was quite sad when I wasn’t able to go to D.C. and take part in the operation. I even sent Lord George Soros an email apologizing for not being able to make it, and I CC’d Robert Antifa, our CEO and President. So, imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring campaign and kept talking about my captured Antifa brethren. After all, she’s definitely not someone on our side in most things. She’s very anti-Antifa, actually, which we assumed just made her a regular ol’ fascist, but since Marjorie can’t stop bringing them up and advocating for their release, maybe we were wrong about her?

They say politics makes for strange bedfellows, but I don’t think even Lord Soros or his second in command Barack HUSSEIN Obama could have predicted that Marjorie would be such a staunch ally for our imprisoned warriors. Everyone knows that Antifa is a very real, physical organization with org charts and membership IDs and everything, so when someone from outside our very real organization, who doesn’t have an ID and doesn’t know our secret handshake, joins our cause, it’s something to take notice of.

While I really couldn’t tell you why a racist, Jesus Freak nerd like Marjorie would join our anti-fasicst movement, I do have three theories, and I’ll close by giving them to you, and you can tell me if you think any of my theories hold water.

  1. Marjorie Taylor Greene has been a sleeper cell operative for Antifa since the very beginning, and deserves some kind of Oscar for only pretending to be a fascist.
  2. George Soros got to Marjorie and paid her enough in cash and oats to convince her to join our cause.
  3. Marjorie Taylor Greene is a cynical fucking moron who will say whatever she thinks she has to “own the libs” and please her orange tinted, daughter-lusting boyfriend.

Maybe I’m way off. Who knows?

Follow James on TikTok, YouTube, BlueSky, Post, Facebook, Instagram, and Elon Musk’s Nazi Chat Site.

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

By
James Schlarmann
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“…it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans he thought he could plant so he could climb a beanstalk to Heaven and ask God to make his daddy president again.”

I am by no means a legal expert, nor am I an economics or business expert. What I am is a problem solver, though, and I think — after doing some deep thinking on the subject — that I might have figured out how Donald Trump can payoff the money he owes to the woman he raped and defamed and the fines levied against him by the State of New York for being a fraudulent little pissbaby. But I need your help, because like I said, I’m no expert in the field.

Can Trump just use Ivanka’s OnlyFans subscriptions to payoff his debts?

While it makes total sense that a guy worth over a billion bucks can’t afford a bond worth less half that much, Trump is still in a hell of a bind. One would think that this man could sell just a couple of his properties, which he claims are worth so very very much, and be done with this whole mess. However, since for some strange reason he hasn’t decided to do that, he may need to rely on the kindness of his family, like so many of us do, to get through his hard financial times.

And who better to ask for help than his darling daughter-lover? Ivanka’s OnlyFans would provide her father at least a little breathing room, financially speaking.

Granted, Ivanka could just maybe sell a handful of the Chinese trademarks her daddy helped her secure while he was the president. But, who knows if there’s enough money there to secure a bond so he can appeal the judgement against him for raping and repeatedly defaming E. Jean Carroll?

No, I think clearly Ivanka’s OnlyFans is the best revenue source for her father to pilfer.

I suppose Don could ask his two oldest male crotch fruit for a little financial assistance, but I’m not sure how well that would go. I made a few phone calls, and it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans he thought he could plant so he could climb a beanstalk to Heaven and ask God to make his daddy president again. Donald Trump Jr’s coke dealer told me the second-smartest Donald Trump owes him so much money, he doesn’t think he’d have more than a couple nickels to loan his pops.

So, it’s all down to Ivanka’s OnlyFans, unless his son-in-law can give him some of that sweet, sweet Saudi cash he got.

UPDATE: I’ve been made aware that Ivanka Trump’s only subscriber on OnlyFans is her father, so I think this plan of mine is a bust. Back to the drawing board.

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

By
James Schlarmann
-

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they’ll tell you without batting a single eyelash or dropping a single round of ammunition: The Democrats started the KKK.

Now, from a purely historically accurate standpoint, this statement is actually true, I think. To be fair, I’m more positive that the men who started the Klan were religious conservatives, but I suppose that given what the electorate looked like back then, that yes, it’s highly probable that a Democrat, or multiple Democrats, had a had in founding the Ku Klux Klan. So because of that fact, I would assume that Republicans would never be the party that wants to force cities and states to keep their Confederate monuments up, you know, given that they’re the “Party of Lincoln” and the Confederacy literally waged a war against Lincoln before Democrats went and started the KKK after they lost the Civil War?

And I would also assume that any and all klan members to this day would be card carrying, woke Democrats, and vote for Democrats because of that. But after the interview I just conducted with a Grand Wizard of the Klan, I have to admit I was very wrong in that assumption.

Very wrong indeed.

I reached out to Chad Beefington, who has headed-up his local chapter of the KKK ever since his father retired from the position in 2017 to take an advisory role in the Trump White House. I initially made contact a couple of weeks ago and we finally got around to conducting the interview over the last couple of days. I’m glad we waited, because by the time I got around to talking to Mr. Beefington, the two major parties’ candidates had been chosen, giving me the perfect avenue to talk to Chad about who he’s voting for this fall.

JAMES SCHLARMANN: Chad, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.

CHAD BEEFINGTON: No worries. I was a bit skepticalish about it at first, but once I did research on you and found out your last name only LOOKS Jewish, I decided I could prolly trust you to be much more fairer to me than one of them would be.

JAMES: …

CHAD: So, what’s on your mind, anyway?

JAMES: I wanted to ask you about who you’re voting for in November.

CHAD: Seriously?

JAMES: Mmmhmm. I just found out that the KKK was started by Democrats.

CHAD: Totally true.

JAMES: …and Joe Biden is the candidate for the Democratic Party, which you believe is the party most responsible for your racist domestic terror organization’s existence…

CHAD: He very much so is indeed, yes.

JAMES: So it would only stand to reason that you’re going to vote for – 

CHAD: His Lard and Savior, Donald John Trump, yessir.

JAMES: But…wait. I thought you were in the KKK?

CHAD: Most assuredly I am, yes.

JAMES: And the KKK was started by Democrats…

CHAD: Again, 100% true as fuck.

JAMES: …but you’re voting for the Republican?

CHAD: Hells yeah!

JAMES: So you’re not a Democrat?

CHAD: (Laughing Hysterically) Democrats are the “woke” ones still right?

JAMES: Yes, I believe that’s the case, in general. Democrats consider themselves woke.

CHAD: (Laughing even harder) And do I look or sound woke to you? Keep in mind I just told you that hilarious joke that is mostly just the N-word and slurs against transgender people.

JAMES: Oh. Oh right. You don’t seem very woke to me at all.

CHAD: “Comatose,” is how woke I’d describe myself.

JAMES: So you’re not voting for the – 

CHAD: Woke Democrat? Not this time around.

JAMES: Is there anything any Democrat could do to win your vote?

CHAD: Well sure, they could return to the core Democrat values that we used to love: white supremacy and Christian nationalism.

JAMES: Anything else they could do?

CHAD: Well, a lot of us are kinda into the idea that Don’s kinda into the idea of piping out his daughter. So…

JAMES: If a Democrat came out and said he wanted to bang his own daughter…?

CHAD: We’d at least have to give him a good looking over and considerationally think about it, yeah.

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Jesus Just Told Me He Probably Wouldn’t Vote for the “Rapey Sore Loser Guy”

By
James Schlarmann
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Well, America, you’re about to do it. Again.

We’re gonna have a re-do of 2020. It’s gonna be Biden vs. Trump again. When it was all said and done, the two major parties in this country decided that we should be given the joyous choice between two very, very, very old white men to determine who will lead our country into a future surely neither of them will be alive much longer to enjoy.

Perhaps there’s just a little bit of comfort Americans take in the routine. Maybe it’s not about being a country bereft of bold leadership wanting to take us in a new direction, and it’s really about all of us just feeling like we could use a little more the familiar in our lives. So that leads us to the point we’re at now: the two parties have their candidates for president, and for the third election cycle in a row, the party that has the support of the majority of Evangelical Christian Nationalists has chosen the dude who has paid for more abortions than he’s paid for adult diapers and Adderall as their champion.

So it would only stand to reason that Jesus Christ, the guy who literally puts the “Christ” in “Christianity,” would vote for the candidate from the party that says they’re the most Christian people in the world, right?

Well, about that.

I sat down with Jesus for an exclusive, one question interview.

JAMES: Hey dude, thanks for agreeing to do this.

JESUS HUBERT CHRIST: Of course, man. It’s not like I was busy doing anything like helping my pops run the universe or anything. I’ve always got time to drop whatever it is I’m helping with and talk about American politics, because as we all know, this whole existence of ours is centered around Americans, and particularly white ones.

JAMES: Cool.

JHC: So, what was your question?

JAMES: Oh, right. So, I was wondering, if you were to vote in the upcoming election this year, who would you vote for?

JHC: Well, for starters, I can’t vote. Not in this year’s election, not in any election. I mean, I’m a highly-likely fictional character, sure, but also? I’m not a citizen, and despite what that weird Dan Bunghole guy says about it, only American citizens can vote in federal elections.

JAMES: Wow, you seem to know more about how this country works than some of the people here who claim to love it so hard it gives them a boner.

JHC: Yeah.

JAMES: Okay, so if you could vote though, who would it be for? The guy that all the Christian Nationalists endorse, right? One Team, One Dream kinda stuff?

JHC: Uhh…no? I would not in fact vote for the rapey sore loser guy. Look at what happened the last time you put the rapey sore loser guy in power. He damn near ended your country’s democracy, and you’re out here wanting me to vote for that douchebag again? 

JAMES: Are there any reasons, specifically, you wouldn’t vote for him?

JHC: Outside the rapey sore loser thing? 

JAMES: Yeah, outside of that.

JHC: Well, I’ve personally never thought guys who want to bang their own daughters make good leaders…

JAMES: Okay, so the rapey thing, the sore loser thing, and the daughter-lusting thing. Anything else?

JHC: Of course there is. But do I really need more reasons outside of rape, failed coups, and pining after his own kid’s genital juices?

JAMES: When you put it that way…Thanks for your time, Jeebsy.

JHC: No worries. See at Dungeons & Dragons night, homey.

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I’m So Grateful Elon Rescued Twitter from Overly Political Owners So He Can Help Trump Win!

By
James Schlarmann
-

The following editorial was written and submitted by Dustin Pewpsin, a Republican strategist working for the Donald Trump 2024 campaign. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its management, or ownership.

No matter how you slice it, Elon swooped in and saved Twitter from overly political ownership, and is now regularly trying to influence political issues and helping Donald Trump win

For many years, we good, clean, ammo hoarding, Christ-loving, cross-burning, cousin fingering patriots knew it — Twitter’s former owners were too political. This is, of course, the first and foremost reason why the Patron Saint of Free Speech — Elon Musk — bought Twitter and re-branded it “X,” because he wanted everyone to see that Twitter was finally free of the heavy-handed ownership was weighing-in on political issues, and making politically motivated decisions. Under Elon’s ownership, things could be and would be different.

Months later, it’s easy to see that Musk is a man of words. Not his own words, of course, because boy howdy is Elon political as fuck, but he’s definitely a man of somebody’s words. Thankfully for the pro-MAGA, anti-science and education crowd like me, he’s a man of Donald Trump’s words.

Just check out these recent tweets he’s posted on his Nazi chat site social media app, and then try and argue that he didn’t save Twitter from overtly political ownership so he could help Donald Trump and Republicans politically. I dare you.

I like this one because it shows that even though Elon is himself an immigrant, and he probably wouldn’t have been let into the country without the help of his rich parents, he now knows how important it is to keep OTHER immigrants out. If this newfound hypocrisy doesn’t cement his place as a solid, rock-ribbed MAGA Republican, I don’t know what does!

As you can see from these tweets, Elon is committed to far right nativism, even though, again, he’s an immigrant himself.

Here he is using loaded terms like “treason” to describe a Biden official’s role in implementing a border policy after Biden was duly elected in 2020 to do exactly that. Sure, technically, undocumented people cannot vote in federal elections, but this tweet also proves Elon knows the value of a straight-up racist lie, another Limbaugh-esque hallmark of modern conservafasicsm.

Then he brilliantly gaslights everyone by pretending he’s not been posting non-stop politically charged content, while simultaneously accusing his competitors of being heavily politically biased. This kind of blatant hypocrisy and nearly comical self-unawareness is usually reserved for Fox News pundits and Mitch McConnell’s baleful moaning any time Democrats wield power like he does.

More brilliance from my man Elon.

The best part? All of these tweets really just scratch the surface on Elon’s hard, public, incessant far-right political agitating.

We haven’t even talked about his transphobic tweets, or how he keeps attacking the “woke mind virus,” which is just anything we conservative Christian extremists don’t like. Elon regularly interacts with and shares content from that LibsofTikTok lady — who is one fine insurrectionist if I’ve ever seen one, by the way. I hope the FBI never brings her in for questioning about her whereabouts on January 6th, because she’s such a force for traditional values and religious-based terrorism.

No matter how you slice it, Elon swooped in and saved Twitter from overly political ownership, and is now regularly trying to influence political issues and helping Donald Trump win. For that, I hope Trump at least considers giving him a cabinet position, once he loses the popular vote but gets bailed out by the Electoral Participation Trophy College again, so that Elon keep proving how different he is from the previously too-political Twitter ownership.

Thanks, Elon!

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© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)