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Eagles Accept Gavin Newsom’s Invitation to Visit California

James Schlarmann
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Eagles Accept Gavin Newsom’s Invitation to Visit California

“As much as we would have graciously eaten a cold Big Mac or Quarter Pounder with cheese, we’d all much prefer to be eating bomb-ass Mexican food…”

Traditionally, the team that wins the NFL’s Super Bowl visits the White House and the current president. While it’s unclear if the Philadelphia Eagles will visit His Majesty King President Donald J. Trump, they announced yesterday that the team will definitely be taking a trip to the West Coast.

“Earlier this week, Governor Gavin Newsom of California called us and asked if we’d like to come visit him out in California, and we accepted his offer.” the Eagles press office said in a statement today.

“We look forward to the sunshine, a fun, park-hopping experience at Disneyland, and a chance to speak to the man who oversees the world’s fifth largest economy. While we would certainly speak to a doddering, conman rapist or his tech broligarch puppeteer as well, uncertainties about who is really running the White House made it seem like a good time to take a rain check on the Washington, D.C. visit and go see if the West Side really is the Best Side.”

The Eagles say they’re especially excited about the celebratory banquet that Newsom has promised them.

“As much as we would have graciously eaten a cold Big Mac or Quarter Pounder with cheese, we’d all much prefer to be eating bomb-ass Mexican food, or really anything else. We’re elite athletes after all. Why would anyone think feeding greasy, processed fast food to us would be enticing or something we’d even enjoy? Honestly, that’s such a comically stupid idea it makes you think whoever would do that is a hilariously stupid individual, know what we mean?”

Reportedly, the White House is incensed by this development. Trump Regime Spokescunt Stephen Miller cried and had a tantrum on Fox News this morning about it.

White House Spokescunt Stephen Miller

“If you ask me, Martha, it looks like there’s a whole lot of DEI happening on the Eagles,” Miller whined.

“Lots of DEIs on that team, actually. You can’t throw a rock without hitting one of the uppity DEIs, even. So maybe it’s time for the U.S. government to arrest and deport any DEI-skinned Eagles players for their criminal rudeness to his Royal Fartnapper in Chief. I bet that would get them to come running to the White House, then, wouldn’t it, MARTHA?!”

Spend a little more time laughing with us, will ya?

I Don’t Need to See Proof of What DOGE Claims. I’m an Idiotic, Bigoted Moron.

Jethro Bohiggins
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I Don’t Need to See Proof of What DOGE Claims. I’m an Idiotic, Bigoted Moron.

“…What kind of person with critical thinking skills would care to see evidence after extraordinary claims are made?”

The following editorial was written by PGC contributor and right-wing singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Bohiggins, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its management, or ownership.

Well, Libs, I guess I can understand why you all were so panicked about King God President Donald John Trump’s triumphant return to the throne. He’s doing so much winning already, and his friend and co-President Elon Musk’s DOGE team is finding so much waste, fraud and abuse! I’d bet my Medicaid, disability, and food stamps that you all are in full-blown freak-out mode right now, and you should be.

I’m pretty sure I just read a piece on either Breitbart, Fox News, or maybe the Klan’s website, about how DOGE has already found $17.6 trillion dollars in waste, fraud and abuse to cut. That is a staggering number, and it should make us all mad as hell! And from what I gather, everyone is mad, exceptin’ it seems that libtarded Americans — who really aren’t technically Americans anyway — are mad at the guy who found the waste, instead of being mad at the people doing all the wasting and frauding and abusing!

Every time I send some of my more progressive friends news articles about what DOGE is finding, they smugly laugh and ask me “Where’s the proof?” As if Elon would lie! When have we ever known a rich, white man in control of a country’s resources to lie for his own benefit? Seems like a load of liberal hogwash to me.

When has Elon himself ever lied? Is his hyperloop not built? Are Tesla’s not auto-driving with perfect, crash-free records? Isn’t his Neural-Link product already in like millions of people’s heads? Honestly, to call Elon Musk a liar is like calling Ronald Reagan a liar, and What in the Iran Contra Affair would make you wanna do that?!

Here’s what I’ve been telling those smug lib friends of mine: Fuck you!

I don’t need to see no evidence. This is like the Iraqi WMD program, Trickle Down Economics, or Josh Hawley’s claims he’s made his wife cum. I trust them and take them at their word! Why would I assume that just because they’ve lied a bunch of times before, that they’re lying now because they seem to be telling me exactly what I want to hear, labeling things that I don’t like as “fraud” instead of being honest about what that money goes to?! Make it make sense, LIBS!

The bottom line here, is that I am a bigoted, racist moron. I believe that brown people and LG-BLT-A people are taking our jobs, freedoms, and security, and it starts with them getting untold gazillions in federal funding, and not in a good way like with rocket ship contracts and stuff. And it is my right to be a bigoted, racist, idiotic fool, which none of you can take away from me. I will continue to believe the bullshit I’m told, and you CANNOT STOP ME!

So keep the news stories coming, DOGE! I am sure that one day we will see all the evidence of what you’re claiming to find, but in all honestly — I don’t care if you do. As long as what you cut is stuff that I don’t like because I’m a racist, ignorant idiot, that’s all that matters.

CHECKMATE, LIBS!

Among Rapists, Jesus Nazis, Traitors, and Morons, His Approval Rating Has Never Been Higher

James Schlarmann
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Among Rapists, Jesus Nazis, Traitors, and Morons, His Approval Rating Has Never Been Higher

According to polls conducted by prominent conservative outlets like Fox News, OANN, and the various KKK pamphlets circulated by Stephen Miller in the White House parking lot, Trump has never been more popular.

It might tough for someone to choose what was the most embarrassing element of King President Donald Trump’s first tenure on the throne, when they have everything from two impeachments, a failed re-election and ensuing insurrection, a botched pandemic response, failed trade wars, and an unfinished, unpaid for Mexican/American border wall to choose from.

Those close to His Royal Fart-Napping Highness, however, know that it was his approval ratings that drove him craziest. No matter how much he decreed, demanded, and even ordered his subjects to shower him with unending love, his first reich was marred with historically low approval ratings, thanks to the cucks who wrote the First Amendment’s promise of free speech and expression, even if it hurts billionaire rapist’s feelings. Going into his second term, even after he was installed by the richest man in the world, according to sources within the White House, Trump was still very afraid of where his approval ratings would land.

“You know, he pretends like he doesn’t care what people think about him, but that’s quite literally the only thing he cares about,” one anonymous staffer told us in an email today.

“It would drive him bonkers, every day, wondering why no matter what he did, he couldn’t convince more than 40% of the population he wasn’t a massive bowel obstruction in an ill-fitting suit.”

If President Trump was worried about his approval ratings before this past weekend, then a new spate of polls should turn his frown upside down. According to polls conducted by prominent conservative outlets like Fox News, OANN, and the various KKK pamphlets circulated by Stephen Miller in the White House parking lot, Trump has never been more popular.

At least among the worst people on the planet.

“We’re extremely pleased to see that within certain voting blocs – rapists, Jesus Nazis, traitors, and morons, the president has never been more popular,” White House Press Secretary Caroline Lolita Leavitt told reporters today.

“We’ve always known these key demographics were vital to his success, but to have the numbers to back that assumption up is a real feather in our pointy white hoods.”

To celebrate his poll numbers, Trump issued a new proclamation via Truth Social.

“I hereby decree that my approval ratings are the best of any president ever,” Trump boasted.

“That’s past, present, or even future. Unless my future poll numbers are higher, and I can assure you, they will be, or there will be HELL TO PAY.”

Watch a full episode of our sketch comedy show:

Trump Says Jews “Should Never Have Started” the Holocaust With Hitler

James Schlarmann
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Trump Says Jews “Should Never Have Started” the Holocaust With Hitler

“No, that’s not antisemitic. All the Jews I keep on my payroll think it’s funny …I’m told it’s much funnier than that one word I used to use for them…” President/king Donald J. Trump

The King God President of the United States has had plenty of blame to dole out to guilty parties of late. Yesterday’s White Nationalism House press conference gave his Royal Rapist in Chief the opportunity to assign some of that blame to those he feels are most guilty.

“There’s actually a lot of similar-ness there, if you think about it, between the You-Crane and that whole Holocaust thing,” HRH Donald Trump explained to reporters assembled in a formal reception hall.

“If the You-Crane hadn’t started that awful war with my dear friend Vladimir, there’d be peace wherever Russia had seized You-Cranium territory, wouldn’t there?”

Mr. Trump paused for a moment to lunge, two-fisted, at a bottle of water on the lectern in front of him. Though just an average-sized bottle of water, it seemed too unwieldy for Our Glorious Dear Führer, and he slowly, shakily, heaved it up to his pursed lips. After guzzling down a few hearty gulps, evoking thoughts of a toddler drinking from their sippy cup in a similar fashion, Trump continued.

“Same deal with the Bagel Eaters.”

A shocked hush fell among the reporters. King Trump noticed that his joke didn’t land. Like all good comedians, he then proceeded to defend and dissect it, ensuring that his loyal subjects would “get” the joke once he was done.

“Oh, oh. No, that’s not antisemitic. All the Jews I keep on my payroll think it’s funny when I call them Bagel Eater, okay? I’m told it’s much funnier than that one word I used to use for them until my cuck-in-law Jared married my BEAUTIFUL IVANKA, in fact. So, calm your tits, everyone.”

Trump once again took a shaky, two-handed gulp of water.

“As I was saying before you all so rudely got offended by my joke, You-Crane should have thought different about going to war with Russia, and the Jews really should have never started the Holocaust with Hitler, probably, don’t you think?”

Trump staffers rushed reporters out of the room, explaining it was time for the president’s late-day fartnap.

Spend twenty minutes with us and watch an episode of our award-aware, Internet-only sketch comedy show!

God Apologizes for Not Making Two Specific Women Pro-Choice

James Schlarmann
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God Apologizes for Not Making Two Specific Women Pro-Choice

“Two abortions could have saved millions of people heartache…” – Larry “God” Schumway

“Well, contrary to certain, centuries-old rumors, I’m not perfect, to begin with,” Larry “God” Schumway told reporters this morning during his routine, weekly press conference.

“Even I make mistakes sometimes. I mean, looking back on it, I never would have created childhood cancer, if I had known it would kill so many innocent kids, instead of just evil people before they became adults.”

Mr. Schumway was addressing concerns that he’s become too lax and laissez-faire with the people of Earth. As the United States seems to backslide into a full-blown fascist oligarchy, it threatens peace and stability around the globe. God admits now that he “maybe took [his] eye off the ball” last year.

Schumway says if he had been paying closer attention, he probably wouldn’t have let someone he called a “dorky Incel douchebag” buy the presidency. That, God said, has now put. millions of Americans who are sick and elderly at risk of losing the financial support they paid into for decades.

“Yeah, I see it. That guy is a real cunt. There’s just no other word for it, he’s a massive, massive cunt,” God admitted.

Schumway can’t understand why so many people who claim to follow his son’s teachings would want such a thing, but at any rate, he said he’s willing to take the onus largely on himself.

God’s regrets don’t just stretch back over the last couple of years, though. Schumway wishes he’d used his divine influence to make Elon Musk’s and Donald Trump’s mothers pro-choice. That, he posited, would have been the “quickest, easiest way to avoid all this horse shit.”

“I love abortions. I prescribed them in the Old Testament Jesus Prequels, you know. I’ve always felt they can save lives,” God told reporters.

“Two abortions could have saved millions of people heartache, uncertainty, chaos, anxiety, and perhaps even kept them alive. i worry the cuts that these two monsters are putting in place could end up costing people their very real medicines and food,” God said while shaking his head.

“This one’s on me. It just takes flipping one little switch in the Human-Maker 3000’s algorithmic processor core to make someone pro-choice, and I missed it on those two racist, soulless jizz bins.”

While he promised to “do better in the future,” Schumway reiterated that he is not, in reality, infallible.

“I make mistakes. I fuck-up literally all the time. Have you seen some of the animals I made? They’re pretty whackadoo-bon-backadoo! Especially the fish! But sometimes I really, really cock it all up,” God said.

“That’s when it’s up to you all, down there, to work together. It’s up to you all  to put in the work, to do what you’re just hoping some invisible man in the sky can do for you. Sometimes, fam, you gotta do the shit yourself.”

Trump Bans “Treasonously Accurate Portrayals” of People on Sketch Comedy Shows

James Schlarmann
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Trump Bans “Treasonously Accurate Portrayals” of People on Sketch Comedy Shows

“…I don’t know who gave anybody the idea that they’re allowed to just say whatever the hell they want about me, but that’s just not right.”

Is Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks in hiding? Will he be sent to Gitmo with others that have been deported thanks to an executive order written by His Royal McNugget Hoarder, President Donald J. Trump?

Rumors are swirling that the man who played some of the most iconic roles in cinematic history could be facing federal charges of treason, stemming from his portrayal of a typical MAGA supporter. Hanks was tapped to perform during the recently broadcast 50th anniversary special for “Saturday Night Live,” and in a sketch based on the quiz show “Jeopardy,” he played a MAGA voter. The reaction from pro-Trump circles has been swift and angry against Hanks, many of whom feel betrayed not only them, but also one of his most cherished characters.

“I always identified with Forrest Gump,” right-wing podcaster Jethro Bohiggins told us. “Not only is stupid is as stupid does, stupid is as MAGA votes. Now, it seems like Mr. Hanks wants to crap all over America, freedom, bald eagles, and most importantly, our Godly King his-self. And I won’t have that Hollyweird freak libtard besmirching my coastal elite rapist president, fam!”

In an early morning ceremony, Trump signed the order that expressly bans what he called “treasonously accurate portrayals” of people while they appear on sketch comedy shows of any kind.

“It’s just beyond rude, and sad, really, if you think about it. I don’t know who gave anybody the idea that they’re allowed to just say whatever the hell they want about me,” Trump spat as he signed the order, “but that’s just not right. And my personal lawyer, Attorney General Pam Bondi? She says I’m right, and that the Consta-ma-tooch-in or whatever says I can put that Bosom Buddies guy in jail.”

We couldn’t reach Hanks or his reps before this story went to the literal presses where Internet-only satire blogs are printed like old school newspapers.

Spend less than half an hour more laughing with us, won’t ya?!

So You Bought the Presidency, But Still Cant Afford a Personality That Isn’t Cancer

James Schlarmann
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So You Bought the Presidency, But Still Cant Afford a Personality That Isn’t Cancer

“It’s probably as sad a feeling as you get realizing that for all the power you now hold, you still can’t find the clit, or convince more than 20% of your kids to love you.”

From time to time, we like to step away from reporting the fake news, and dole out a little bit of friendly advice. This is one of those times, and we’re about to give some advice to the most powerful man in the free world; a president the likes of which has quite literally never been seen. We’re going to give some advice to Elon Musk now, but feel free to keep reading along, if you think you might get something out of it, too.

So, Elon, you bought the presidency, but still can’t afford a personality that isn’t cancer. That’s tough. It’s completely expected, but still, quite tough. For you. It’s probably as sad a feeling as you get realizing that for all the power you now hold, you still can’t find the clit, or convince more than 20% of your kids to love you.

But let’s not focus on what a pathetic loser you are, despite being the richest man on the planet. Let’s not solely put our attention on the fact that for all your money and access to power, you’re still a piece of shit nobody likes who spends millions of dollars on gender affirming care while posting flagrantly transphobic garbage. Let’s put all that aside, and come up with a couple of ways you can cope with being the shadow president that no actual human being worth caring about likes or wants to be around, shall we?

Step 1: Acceptance

Look man, you’re going to have to accept that a lot of people don’t like you. Like, more people than do actually like you. Maybe in a generation or two, when you’ve successfully gutted the federal government and we have millions more ignorant, brainwashed Americans out there, things will be different. But for now, the simple math is that between Harris voters, those who voted for someone other than the main parties’ candidates, and people who sat out to protest both, the overwhelming majority of Americans didn’t want you, or your rapey senile friend, in the Oval Office.

Step 2: Strap Yourself to a SpaceX Rocket and Blast Off to Mars

Maybe cut your losses? Sure, you might be intoxicated on a healthy cocktail of ketamine and oligarchy now, but history shows that fascists tend to meet less-than-favorable ends once the people they’re oppressing wrest control back. So, perhaps you could kill two birds with one stone, head to Mars, and show us both how brave you are, and also how you’re looking for out-of-the-box ways to give Americans what they really want…which is you as far away from us as humanly possible.

Burn 20 more minutes with us.

President Musk Just Changed Every American’s Social Security Number to “69-X-DOGE-LOL”

James Schlarmann
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President Musk Just Changed Every American’s Social Security Number to “69-X-DOGE-LOL”

“…a guy who writes for The Babylon Bee told me this is funny, right before I gave him a million bucks, so I know this is EPIC COMEDY LOLZ.” – President Elon Musk

Applying for a job or a loan soon? Will you be needing to check the IRS website for the status of your tax refund in the coming weeks? Then you’re going to want to pay extra-close attention to this story.

Though since its inception, every United States citizen has been issued their own, unique nine digit numerical identification number, thanks to a new presidential decree, now every American shares the same identical Social Security number.  Go ahead and grab a pen and paper to write down your new number if you’d like. Though, in all reality you can just ask your spouse, kids, boss, friends, neighbors, your barber, your lawyer, your boss’s boss you loves watching “Who’s the Boss” and binging Bob Ross, your preacher, your third grade teacher, and anyone else you encounter on the street, literally.

From this point forward, every American’s new Social Security number is: 69-X-DOGE-LOL

In a post to X, the president’s own, state-run social media and Nazi site, President Musk explained why the change was called for.

“None of you parasites are going to get Social Security anymore anyway, for starters,” Musk wrote, “but more to the point, a guy who writes for The Babylon Bee told me this is funny, right before I gave him a million bucks, so I know this is EPIC COMEDY LOLZ.”

Musk followed his announcement up with a six-word reply.

“MY HEART GOES OUT TO ME!”

Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told us that he thinks Musk will “go down in history as the greatest führer America has ever known” because of his efforts to “streamline our economy right into the billionaire class’s assholes and bank accounts.”

“Honestly, this country was always about keeping rich white men rich and white, and in power, so there’s a reason that so many of us on the right are giddy to see him in action,” Thompaulsen said via Skype. “It just brings a damn tear to my eye — IN A NON-GAY WAY — to see us return to our real American roots.”

Democratic congressman Jared Nepobebe of California lambasted Musk and said it was “high-time” for his party to “step-up [their] game.”

“I mean…maybe it’s time for a sternly-worded letter? I don’t know. I’m not sure. I can’t tell. I’m undecided. I’m torn. I’m stuck between a yes and a no and a maybe,” Rep. Nepobebe explained. “What I do know for sure is that we’ve tried our utmost Fuck-All, and it’s, I think, come really close to looking like doing something, which is what our voters want most, I think. I would need to see some polling data to be sure.”

Got about twenty more minutes to burn? Of course you do.

How Much Universal Healthcare Could We Get For the Price of One Gaza?

James Schlarmann
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How Much Universal Healthcare Could We Get For the Price of One Gaza?

“…maybe I’m not aware of some egg-related benefits to buying Gaza and displacing tens if not hundreds of thousands of Palestinians.”

Granted, I am no math whiz. I’m not claiming to be a magician of mathematics. So, it’s entirely possible that someone is going to be able to point me in the direction of answers to my question that show me how it all works out, and that would be great by me! But, with our Royal Fart/Napping Rapist-in-Chief announcing yesterday that the United States plans to takeover the Gaza strip, I do have some math-related questions.

Mainly, my question is, “How much universal healthcare could. we get for the price of one Gaza?”

I was reasonably assured by everyone from the regime’s supporters to the corporate media that the main reason people wanted him back in office was because of the price of eggs. So maybe I’m not aware of some egg-related benefits to buying Gaza and displacing tens if not hundreds of thousands of Palestinians. I also think I need to ask the Gaza protest voters if this is how they wanted things to turn out, because I’m not sure if there’s an economic upside to helping fascism stomp all over the world, and maybe they do.

For now, though, I’d like to stay on topic and figure out how much universal healthcare the United States could afford if, for instance, we don’t annex a territory and shove the men, women, and children who live there into displaced refugee status.

I reached out to a couple of economists, but they were too busy doing their jobs or whatever to answer me. So, I’m hoping that if and when someone out there who knows the answer to my question reads this, they’ll contact me. I think I just need the math explained like I’m a moron who thinks authoritarian rapists deserve another presidential term, and then I’ll get it, and everything will be fine again.

If the United States does somehow purchase Gaza from Israel, I have a feeling our sundowning, real estate developer of a president would surely want to put one of his golf courses/burial plots for his current wife there. So perhaps, what he’ll negotiate is a certain percentage of the greens fees at Trump Gaza Golf Resort and Re-Education Camps going back to the American people. Then, perhaps, we can pay for healthcare for we plebs with that money?

I just realized, though, that I implied the Convicted Felon in Chief would do something to benefit someone not named “Donald J. Trump.” So when you get done laughing hysterically at me, please let me know how much universal healthcare we could buy for the price of one Gaza.

Thank you in advance.

I Voted For Jesus Fascism and All I Got Was My Welfare Frozen!

Jethro Bohiggins
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I Voted For Jesus Fascism and All I Got Was My Welfare Frozen!

It was one thing when I was confident the next four years would see a return to a time when I could bully a trans kid, in their elementary school classroom, and I’d get a Medal of Honor from Trump personally for it.

The following editorial was written by Jethro Bohiggins. Mr. Bohiggins is a singer/songwriter and appears each week on KPBC News during his “Rantin’ Right With Jethro” segment. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Bohiggins, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its management, or ownership.

Just what in the cotton-pickin’, billionaire ball-fluffing hell is going around here, huh? I speci-ficially voted for King God Emperor Donald John Trump to return to his throne for a handful of very speci-ficial reasons, and ain’t one of them that I wanted my own welfares cut! But as I live and mouth-breathe, that’s exactly what my situational status was for a few brief hours this week!

Can someone explain to me how we went from roundin’ up the Mexicans and telling trans people liberty and freedom don’t apply to them to where we ended up in a situation where I had my welfare checks frozen, albeit temporilizationally? I know King Trump already unfroze-ified the funds, but still, I cannot lie, fam, I’m a little unsure about the future my hold.

It was one thing when I was confident we’d see a couple thousand illegal Mexicans, or Mexican-ish people being tossed onto military transport and flown away. It was one thing when I was confident the next four years would see a return to a time when I could bully a trans kid, in their elementary school classroom, and I’d get a Medal of Honor from Trump personally for it. Hell, I even swallowed my suspicional feelings about Elon Musk because I figured he was down for the cause of deporting the Browns and bullying trans kids, and I hear he’s the guy who was most in favor of Trump freezing my welfares!

To be perfectly frank with you, I’m not terribly sure who the actual president is, and who’s the king. Because it seems like maybe it’s Elon calling the shots for Trump, but that flies in the face of all the photoshopped pictures I’ve seen of Donald with super-cut physique, riding a Hummer into literal war with the Forces of Libtardia! No, surely King Trump is the big, strong leader, and not a doddering, senile, enfeebled old racist conman, while Musk calls all the shots!

In the end, I guess it don’t really matter much who is the president and who’s pretending to be president, but I don’t think it’s right to punish the good, clean, melanin-free, chicken-non-seasoning, ammo hoarding, Christian American Patriots who put you in power by taking away their government checks! It just don’t feel right getting treated the way you assumed everyone you don’t like would be treated!

Here’s hoping the powers that be figure it out, because I appreciate the funds being un-frozen, but it feels like maybe it’ll only be a matter of time before they try to cut off my welfares again.

Got twenty minutes or so to kill? Check out our sketch comedy show, “Into the Garbage Chute.”

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