Tallahassee Pill Sees His Shadow and Will Have Four More Years of Not Being President

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“He could still be president of his local chapter of the Proud Boys, or president of the local Go-Go boot manufacturer’s union, just not of America.”

Most Americans learn who Punxsutawney Phil is when they’re in grade school, and usually it’s on or around Groundhog Day. Every February 2nd, a groundhog that lives in a tiny town in western Pennsylvania is hauled out of his cage and everyone pretends to ask him if he’s seen his shadow, which would foretell of a little longer winter, if he did.

Perhaps, though, fewer Americans know about The Tallahassee Pill.

He isn’t a relative of Phil, not in any kind of genetic sort of way. Although, some have wondered if the Tallahassee Pill — who also goes by the name “Ron’ — isn’t at least a member of some rodent family or another. Regardless of how well-known he is, the Tallahassee Pill also stepped out of his domicile today and saw his shadow. We asked local Florida residents what that typically means, as before today, we did not know about this particular tradition celebrated every year in the Floppy Dong State.

“When the Tallahassee Pill steps out of his governor’s mansion on Groundhog Day and sees his shadow, it means he will have four more years of not being president,” Professor Sally Simpkins told us.

“That’s President of the United States, mind you. He could still be president of his local chapter of the Proud Boys, or president of the local Go-Go boot manufacturer’s union, just not of America. He’s less popular than a adjudicated rapist, conman, and literal traitor, so he probably never had a real chance, but once he saw his shadow, he knew his goose was cooked for time around.”

Gary Ganeux, a 54 year old carpenter from Port St. Fellatio told us that he “feels sorry” for the Tallahassee Pill, but that his state is probably more in need of a governor, than what the Tallahassee Pill has provided Florida since his failed presidential campaign started last year.

“My cost of living has skyrocketed here in the Christofascist Empire of Florida. My homeowner’s insurance was canceled last year when the company left the state, and both my parents and my in-laws died of COVID in 2021, but nobody from the state even acknowledged it,” Mr. Ganeux said.

“So as much as I feel sorry for the the little guy, it’s probably for the best that he at least try to look like he’s doing the job he was elected to do, and not the one he really wishes he had right now.”

Spokespeople for the Tallahassee Pill told us he was too busy cancelling the month of February to “prevent reverse-racism” to give a comment on this story.

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