For most of my life, I have taken the advice of trusted medical professionals without much second thought. After the events of this week, though? I’m going to have to do a lot more research about whose advice I’m following, it would appear.
Honestly, I was never really worried about my testosterone levels before. I didn’t really give it much thought, one way or the other. But when Dr. Tucker Carlson M.D. suggested that all the things I don’t like about my life are due to my low testosterone, and that I could sun tan my fruit basket to improve my “Low-T,” as he put it, I thought, “What the hell? What’s the worst that could happen?” Well, I’ll tell you what the worst is.
The worst is that now my balls look like Donald Trump.
They’re round, mostly hairless — though I can make it look like they have a full scrot of hair if I spend an hour each day fussing with my pubes — and they are distinctly orange and burnt looking. At least, partially they are. Hell, my balls look so much like Donald Trump that some unwashed moron in a red hat tried to take a selfie with them the other day and shouted “FOUR MORE YEARS” right at my crotch as he left the bathroom.
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My balls, though, thankfully, only look like Don Trump now. They don’t act like him; at least not yet. I haven’t had one of my testicles ask me if we can inject bleach, and neither of my nuts has implied that you can nuke a hurricane. Hell, my balls have never stared into an eclipse, either. So, it would appear that tanning my balls has only made them look like Donald, not act like him.
For that I am eternally grateful.
To add insult to ball injury, the doctors tell me that tanning my balls has had absolutely no impact on my testosterone levels, either. Maybe this is all my fault. Perhaps I should be far more cautious about whose advice I take. Then again, as a white, middle-aged man, Dr. Tucker has made it quite clear to me that I am morally and legally obligated to blame everyone else for my own actions, so I’m leaning more in that general direction.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.