You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

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The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk’s personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet, it’s management, or ownership.

“…when you call me an “incel,” you’re just lying, and as a fan of Donald Trump, nothing offends me more than hearing lies…not told by Donald Trump.”

You know what? I’m sick and tired of baby killing, Socialist-Commie-Cuck-Soyboy-America Last-Libtarded DemonRats calling me names.

I’m sick of it, and I need a safe space from all their insults. That’s why I bought myself a cybertruck from Tesla. I figured there was no way that Elon Musk would ever overhype and promote a shitty product, so I took the plunge and dropped a fair amount of scratch on one of those stainless steel beauties. I’ll never regret it, no matter how rusted it gets after I wash it the first time, or if it chops off my finger when I close the tailgate.

After I got my cybertruck, the Left started calling me an “incel.”

Well, actually, I guess I should say they started calling me an “incel” more. It was bad enough when they called me one just because they found out the women-folk around here are brainwashed by Feminazis into thinking it’s weird when I condescendingly explain things to them that they already know about, or that I think if they get pregnant I should be allowed to dictate to them if they have the baby or not…or that I think the clit is just a psy-op started by Big Feminism to further erode men’s power in society.

Then, when I bought my cybertruck, the taunts of “incel” only increased.

They even called me an “incel” after I was truly shocked to my core and Tesla announced it was recalling my cybertruck — and all the other cybertrucks on the road — because the accelerator was getting stuck. I gotta say, as a side note, considering most of us who bought cybertrucks are the kinds to just barrel forward, full speed ahead without caring about the signals we’re being given from either the woman at the bar, or the literal lights on the street, the recall may be completely unnecessary.

But the real hard truth that all you left-wing, George Soros acolytes need to accept is that I’m not an incel. I’m not involuntarily celibate anymore. So when you call me an “incel,” you’re just lying, and as a fan of Donald Trump, nothing offends me more than hearing lies…not told by Donald Trump.

You see, you arrogant jerks, I’m currently fucking the living hell out of my cybertruck. Well, not currently because like I said it’s currently being worked on as part of that whole recall thing, but as soon as I get it back from the dealership, I’m going to lube up my dong and bang the hell out of my cybertruck again.

I bet you didn’t know you could fuck a cybertruck, but you can pretty much fuck anything you want. That’s what Rush Limbaugh taught me, and since Elon made sure to include a little port next to the charging port small enough to provide a perfect, tight fit for cybertruck owners, there’s nothing more enjoyable in the world then laughing at all your accusations of being an incel while balls-deep in an expensive car that hasn’t worked reliably since I got it.

Anyway, just thought I would let you all know that you’re wrong about me being an incel, just like you’re wrong about Trickle Down, WMD in Iraq, and who actually won the 2020 election. I’m going to go call the Tesla dealership and find out if I’m getting laid this week, or if the recall’s gonna take longer to complete.

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