I Have a Wish List of Things Dark Brandon Should Do With His Presidential Immunity

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Some people might really think that if the Supreme Court says presidents have immunity from prosecution  — even for attempting coups — that we’re headed in the wrong direction as a country. And sure, if you’re one of those libtarded cucks who thinks self-governance and determination are quite literally the core-est of core principles of “freedom and liberty,” that might be true, I suppose.

A lot of us though, are starting to feel just burnt out enough that we’ve decided maybe it would be nice if the political party that allegedly represents progressives in this country used their power the way conservatives do. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, wishing for Democrats to become vertebrates, but if not, then just imagine what can be done with presidential immunity.

Sure, it won’t happen. Democrats are too afraid to be called autocrats to do anything to stop autocrats. And yet…a schlubby middle-aged satirist can dream still…can’t they? With that in mind, here’s my wish list of things I want Dark Brandon the Bold to do with the presidential immunity the Supreme Court is about to invent.

  1. Sign a decree making it illegal to call someone a “commie,” “socialist” or “commie socialist” without first defining “communism” and “socialism” without the help of your Prager U video clip library.
  2. Anyone accusing someone else of being a “groomer” has to show us their browser and tithing history.
  3. Re-open Obama’s FEMA camp gay marriage transgender surgery abortion centers so Lord Soros can start paying us for those services again.
  4. Force five new justices onto the Supreme Court – Barack, Michelle, Hillary, Taylor, Barack Again
  5. Force streaming companies to make their “ad free” tiers actually not have any goddamn commercials, even right before the content you’re about to watch, because that’s STILL A FUCKING AD.
  6. Legalize weed and make it a legitimate medical deduction on our taxes.
  7. Institute “Free Taco Tuesday” and pay for all the free tacos by selling Jeff Bezo’s extensive butt plug collection.
  8. Bring back Paul Reubens, David Bowie, Tom Petty, my amazing Aunt Sharre, my sweet grandpa Jim, and all the wonderful people we lost instead of Mitch McConnell or Stephen Miller.
  9. Soda in the water fountains!
  10. Give people with pronouns in their bios an immediate 95% discount on their income taxes.
  11. Take the guns Obama stole from hard working Americans and give them to undocumented transgender immigrants.
  12. Pay off everyone’s student debt except for Bible college tuition. Make them pay double.
  13. Enter all my “Your Mom” jokes into the Library of Congress.
  14. Give me a PS5 for every TV in my house.
  15. Make it illegal to elect a Republican president ever again.

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