Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

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“…nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he’s deserved his entire life.”

Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought I’d ever have the occasion to run into former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton, I would have laughed. I’m a clown, and she’s a…well, I’m not sure what her job title is anymore other than “The Person Who Tried to Warn Us About What Kind of President Trump Would Be.”

The point is, I just didn’t think we’d ever have the chance to run in the same circles, much less the same oxygen supply.

Then, as I was walking around my local WalMart last week, lo and behold, I turn my cart into the aisle with the oatmeal and cereal, and there’s Hill-Dawg, in the same aisle, scanning boxes of Cheerios. Not one to waste an opportunity, I sidled up to Ms. Clinton and introduced myself. She told me it was nice to meet me, and asked if I had a favorite type of Cheerios.

After telling her I still have a soft spot for Honey Nut Cheerios, I asked her what she’s up to these days.

“Oh you know, a little of this and a little of that. Not much, really. Truth be told,” Hillary said, “I’ve got a ton of time on my hands these days.”

So I asked her if there’s anything she’d like to do with her time.

“Not sure, really. But I did reach out to Donald Trump’s legal team the other day,” Clinton told me, a glint in her eye, “and volunteered.”

I asked if she meant that she was thinking of joining Trump’s legal defense team. To that question, Hillary laughed as hard as I’ve ever seen her pretend to laugh on a debate stage. Clearly, I got that exactly wrong.

“You got that exactly wrong,” Hillary confirmed. “No, I called them to tell them that if they’re having a hard time filling up the jury box, that they should call me. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he’s deserved his entire life.”

Ms. Clinton told me that even though she doesn’t want to be Trump’s attorney, one of her good friends has said he’s willing to give it a shot.

“Barack told me that he also called Trump’s lawyers and told them if they’d like to have an actual Constitutional scholar on their team, he’s more than willing to volunteer his time,” Hillary informed me. “Apparently though, they only hire people Don wants to finger-blast and/or fellow rich white dudes, and Barack is rich and black, so not sure how that’ll all work out.”

I told Hillary it was both a pleasure to meet her, and surprising to hear her say “finger blast,” and asked if she did get a call back from Trump’s lawyers that she give me a buzz. She said she absolutely would not do that, but took my advice on the Honey Nut Cheerios, so all’s well that ends well in the Land of Satire and Treason.


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