Texas Board of Education Eliminates Need to Teach Kids The South Lost

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AUSTIN, TEXAS — The Texas Board of Education, in a narrow, party line vote, has eliminated teaching history students who won the Civil War from state-approved curricula across the Lone Star State. This comes just days after the same board cut discussions of the immorality of the Ku Klux Klan from educational materials in the state.

“Ultimately, we feel it’s the worst kind of racism imaginable — against WHITES — to push any kind of narrative about winners or losers of Lincoln’s War of Aggression,” Texas school board representative Randy Cotton Jackson told us in a Skype interview, conducted earlier today. “Besides, we know Stephen Miller’s America First law group is looking into suing the federal government to terminate the Treaty of Appomattox on grounds of unconstitutional overreach, so this all may be moot soon anyway.”

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Jackson and a majority of his fellow board members share a common belief that it poses an existential threat to the Republican Party in Texas, and perhaps even in other red states if it became a trend, for students to “focus too much on which failed ideology got its racist ass handed to it and which didn’t.”

“Maybe it’s technically true that the North, quote, won the war,” Jackson explained, “but there are very fine people in this country who have a right to ignore reality, pretend they’re not racist, and be very offended when you discuss the racism of the past, present, or future. When will the Antifa, cancel culture left understand that talking about racism is racism, unless you’re pointing out something racist against white people?”

Mr. Jackson made a historical argument in favor of recent decisions by the board that might look like are intended to protect and even promulgate white supremacy.

“Now, look, while I may get accused, rather unfairly, of being a white supremacy apologist, if not a white supremacist,” Jackson said, “even if I was, I would be more aligned with many of the founders anyway! Slavery, of which many of them partook and profited from, is  the epitome of white supremacy and a lot of Americans still bow and scrape at the Framers’ feet…even the ones who owned slaves.”

Whether or not white supremacy is is morally right or wrong, Jackson argues, is not “something a child should be told how to feel by some agent of the government with a whiteboard.”

“These jack-comfortable-flatted thugs should not be standing in front of a class and dictating to a child how to feel about the Civil War,” Jackson insisted, “or any other subject for that matter. Who are we to tell them about Black Wall Street, or the Tulsa Massacre? They could develop feelings of empathy for how African Americans were treated and that’s a one way ticket toward socialism, which was officially outlawed by governor Abbot in 2018, and nobody wants to go to jail for teaching forbidden facts in the land of free speech and expression!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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