Ted Cruz: I’m Running to be President of the Republican States of America

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NORTH CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA — Shortly after the latest Republican primary debate that was held on the Fox Business Channel, Senator Ted Cruz stopped to talk to reporters as he was leaving the site of the debate, where he was peppered with questions about comments he made during the debate about so-called “New York values.”

When host Neil Cavuto pressed Cruz on making the comments about current GOP front runner Donald J. Trump — who comes from New York City — the Texas Republican said, “I think people know exactly what New York values are. Not a lot of conservatives come out of Manhattan. I’m just saying.” At the time, Trump responded to the insult by reminding Cruz that conservative icons like William F. Buckley came from Manhattan.

“Here’s the plain truth,” Cruz told reporters after the debate, “we have two separate countries in this one country of ours, Republican and un-American.” Cruz pointed to the fact that during the debate that had just concluded, not a single question about climate change was even asked. “Over on the un-American side, people just won’t shut up about climate change because they have been brainwashed by their liberal, New York Saul Alinksy liberal public school education to trust people who dedicate their lives to studying scientific topics,” Cruz intoned, “but on the Republican side we know the real threat to American safety and security is gay marriage. See what I mean? Two different Americas. One right, and one filled with people like Killary Clintstoned and Berntard Sanders, with all due respect to them, of course.”

Senator Cruz excoriated reporters when they asked how he expected to win a general election if during the primary he was turning off voters in blue states. “Do you think a great American patriot needs to worry about whether blue states like him or not,” Cruz demanded, “because that sounds like a liberal mainstream media question if I ever heard it. Again, to reiterate, I am running to be President of the Republican States of America, and I will execute the duties of my office in the regard, completely eschewing what more liberal states want, after decrying Obama for ignoring conservatives for eight years, because Republican voters don’t recognize Republican hypocrisy, thank America’s One True God.”

“The first thing I’m going to do,” Cruz blared, “is to end the lawlessness of the Obama administration by signing 150 specific executive actions all aimed at completely erasing the last eight years from our memories.” Senator Cruz said that “executive Republican orders are of course naturally aligned withe Constitution” and therefore would be “vastly different and more legitimate” than any order issued by Obama. “We will take this country back from the liberals and move our values back at least fifty years, or more. Because nothing says freedom and justice like going back to a time when people of color were legally second class citizens, spousal rape was legal in most states, and there hadn’t been a Kenyan, Communist, Sharia loving, George Soros clone in the White House.”

Cruz told reporters “the American people will understand completely” when he wins and immediately tells “Democrat states they can fuck off out of the union for all I care.” He said “our Bibles and low taxes will keep us safe and our infrastructure, education, and society in general will flourish because that’s always what happens when you go backwards as a species.”

Cruz is currently surging in opinion polls, and some on the Hill are wondering if he could indeed be the Republican nominee this fall.


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