Ted Cruz Never Would’ve Taken Corporate Campaign Donations If He Knew The Companies Were Pro-Democracy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) told Fox News this morning that he’s “alarmed and quite frankly incensed” at the growing number of major American corporations who have criticized recent bills being forwarded in red states to severely limit the electorate in future elections. Since Georgia signed its own sweeping bill into law, it drew immediate and sharp criticism from companies in the state from Coca-Cola to Major League Baseball.

MLB drew the ire of conservatives loyal to former President Trump when it chose to move its All-Star Game this summer from Atlanta to Denver. Speaking to the vapid automatons who host “Fox & Friends,” Cruz lambasted “woke Corporate Overlords” who he says are “putting their weighty thumb on the scale” and “trying to force real Americans into accepting that they live in the 21st century.” Cruz admitted that in the past he’s taken donations from some of the companies he’s now criticizing for exercising their right to free speech, but said he’d never have taken their money if he “knew they were so pro-democracy.”

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“What a bunch of cucks, frankly. I thought I was only taking money from fat cats who hate the unwashed masses and just wanted to give me enough money so that I’d help them keep their corporate oligarchy in place,” Cruz said today. “What’s becoming increasingly clear, however, is that these companies are willing to say what they want to in order to protect their global brand, and apparently they think being in favor of democracy and self-governance is good for their brand! OUTRAGEOUS.”

Cruz indicated that he feels “insulted and betrayed” by companies like Coke, Delta, and MLB.

“So now they’re just gonna tell us all what they think about laws and stuff? I tell you,” Cruz whined, “anyone who thinks corporations deserve so much power and influence in our politics is crazy. It’s like there’s some kind of Supreme Court ruling that even gives them some kind of weird personhood. Who the heck backed THAT idea is what I want to know.”

Sen. Cruz announced that once he was done having a “booger eating powwow” with some fellow Senate Republicans, he’d have a new plan of attack to “push back against corporate tyranny.” He expects that action plan to be announced sometime in the coming weeks.

“Imagine the cheek of these companies. To think the people who run them are entitled to make their own, free market decisions to protect their image,” Cruz said with exapseration. “Even if those decisions hurt conservative feelings! DO THEY NOT EVEN CARE?!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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