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Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
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CDC Study Shows Wearing a Mask Reduces Spreading Selfish Douchebaggery by 100%

HOTLANTA, GEORGIA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released...

Trump Tells Taliban They Owe Him a Cut

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Whether or not the president was briefed on Russia's efforts to...

DNC Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott Elections With Mail-in Ballots

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Democratic National Committee is urging Trump supporters who don't feel...

Should I Be Concerned That My Penile Discharge Looks Exactly Like Stephen Miller?

Author's Note: Before reading this column any further, please be advised that I will be...

Disney Assures Visitors They Can Still Hurl Racist Insults at Employees While Riding Updated Splash Mountain

ANALSLIME, CALIFORNIA -- This week, Disney became the latest corporation to reconcile its problematic...

Pence: “We Flattened the Curve. We Saved Lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a press conference last week, Vice President Mike Pence caused...

Louie Gohmert Dragged Away By Masked Millennials After Saying “Antifa” 3 Times Into Bathroom Mirror

VALLE DE MORMÓN RACISTACALVO, TEXAS -- According to those with firsthand knowledge of the...

Trump Warns His Enemies May Attempt ‘Electoral Coup’ on Him By Voting for His Opponent

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The 2020 presidential election is now less than six months away...

Fire Chief Robert T. Moron Suggests Without Smoke Alarms There’d Be No Arson

RIO ESTUPIDO, TEXAS -- At a weekly press conference today, Fire Chief Robert T....

ISIS Trying to Recruit “Top American Killer” President Donald Trump

When America was attacked on September 11th, 2001, planes were hijacked and flown into...

CDC Testing Effectiveness of Racial Slurs on COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control, at the request of the White...

To End Abortion, President Trump Bans Pregnancy Tests

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- One of President Trump's most loyal bases of support comes from...

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Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....