ISIS Trying to Recruit “Top American Killer” President Donald Trump

Published on

When America was attacked on September 11th, 2001, planes were hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center in New York, as well as into the Pentagon. The Al Qaeda linked hijackers also took over a plane that was reportedly headed to another D.C.-area target before it was brought down in a field in Pennsylvania. The best estimates for the death toll on that infamous day put the number at just about 3,000 Americans who perished on that day.

As of the time of publication, COVID-19 has killed an estimated 124,000 Americans. That’s a death count roughly 41 times that of 9/11. To put it in more perspective, in World War I, about 53,000 American soldiers perished. The COVID-19 death count has already surpassed the number of Americans who have died in every American war since the Korean War, combined.

MORE: Antifa Millennials Topple Mrs. Butterworth Statue

In a related and extremely unprecedented development, the terrorist organization known as ISIS has reportedly sent a recruitment letter to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. In the letter, ISIS leadership cites the American COVID-19 death toll as their main motivating factor in deciding to offer Trump a spot on their team. Though receipt of ISIS’ employment offer hasn’t been confirmed officially by the administration, sources close to the situation say the president is “bigly honored” and “giving the offer lots of consideration.”

“I don’t want to get ahead of the president,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters as she came into work today, “but suffice to say that Donald Trump is always pleased when he’s the center of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s a profile on Fox News, or a fawning letter from an autocratic dictator he wants to build a hotel in, or a terrorist organization like ISIS or Focus on the Family. This president loves attention, and he’s grateful for every bit of it he can get.”

ISIS’ recruitment offer to the president, is reprinted below.

President Donald J. Trump,

It is our honor and privilege to contact you today, and we hope that this letter finds you well, and in the best of pussy-grabbing spirits! The purpose of this letter is to offer you a position within our terrorist organization. As you know, one of our stated mission goals is to eradicate the west, and one of the ways we hope achieve our goals is to kill as many Americans as possible, which is where you come in.

Despite all our best efforts, ISIS has yet to kill Americans on the scale that your laziness, ineptitude, and apathy have. Frankly, Mr. President, if we could add the Top American Killer to our ranks, it would be quite a boost to our morale. Even our friends in Al Qaeda have never been able to pull off killing quite so many Americans as you have. Kudos, sir, kudos!

In order to entice you to join our ranks, we would like to simply point out the following:

  • Sexual relationships between men and women they are decades older than are encouraged.
  • You can bring your Vice President along because all of us share a common value in devaluing women.
  • Putting your stupid, corrupt, and morally bankrupt children into positions of power is very much so encouraged in our organization.

We very much so look forward to your reply. Please let us know if there are any more accommodations we can offer to entice you to join our team!

Warmest Disregards for American Life,


P.S. Gassing your own people for a photo-op? *Chef’s kiss*

Details will be added and this story will be updated as it develops.

MORE: Ivanka: “Daddy Has No Problem Drinking Water With One Hand When The Other’s On My Ass”

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....