Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

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“Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader’s dick?”

A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he’s put on trial in New York City.

Trump is accused of paying porn star Stormy “Looks a Lot Like My Daughter” Daniels to stay quiet about an affair he had with her while his third wife was pregnant with his third son. So, you know, he’s accused of the most Christian Family Values-tastic crimes you can imagine, really. Many are upset that they’re seeing people like Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, and even Speaker Mike Johnson appearing outside the courtroom before hearings start, during recess, and after they adjourn for the day. It’s pretty obvious that what Don has done is to send up the FartNap Signal, demanding his most loyal subjects come and violate his gag order on his behalf.

So far, his message has been received and his minions have descended on the Big Apple for daily whine and cry sessions about the audacity of someone to try and hold a rich, white sexual predator accountable.

And sure, it’s pretty troubling if you look at this situation from an academic point of view. Of course it’s horrifically hilarious that the “Law and Order” party is so dedicated to their Dear Leader that they’d help him try to intimidate witness and jurors. But on a more fundamental level, I’m left wondering one thing.

We didn’t expect them to suck off their cult leader from all the way in D.C. did we?

Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader’s dick? And in Don Trump’s case, he’s at an even bigger size disadvantage — according to the woman he fucked and paid to stay quiet anyway — so you really, really have to get close to his dong to get it anywhere near your mouth. Just ask Ugly Heidi Cruz’s husband Ted about the particulars of sucking Trump off.

I guess what I’m getting at is that while it may be cancerous to the rule of law in this country, and while it’s definitely a not-at-all subtle attempt to get around the judge’s gag order on Trump, maybe we should just let bygones be bygones. Maybe we should let sad, bitter conservatives have their safe space outside the courtroom where they can publicly fellate the man who hates them all and only sees them as ends to his means. Let’s give them an olive branch, shall we?

A little compassion and empathy can go a long way.

I’m not suggesting anyone vote the way they want you to vote to make them feel better. I’m just saying that once you understand how hard it is to give a sloppy blowjob to a man when you’re not in the same air supply as his shriveled, septuagenarian peen, maybe you can have just a soupcon of empathy for the sad, pathetic, debased, amoral, unscrupulous, gelatinous bags of shit whose job it is now to fluff the ego of the worst president ever.

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