Study of Mitch McConnell’s DNA Might Prove Existence of Racist Sperm

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The National Research Labs of America published results of a new study this week that could, after peer review, disprove one of the longest held notions about the phenomenon of human racism. Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, Chief Executive Officer and lead researcher for the NRLA addressed the report’s published findings during a recent virtual announcement, held via Skype.

“For decades, data has shown that people, quite logically, are not born racist. The very idea of racist babies was so comical that only truly certified idiots like Ted Cruz would even consider the notion seriously for more than a moment or two,” Hornaydieux said. “However, if what we analyzed from samples of Sen. Mitch McConnell’s DNA hold up to the rigors of peer review, we’ll have at least one documented case of someone who was deeply racist from the sperm stage.”

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Hornaydieux explained that he and his team spent months painstakingly reconstructing McConnell’s DNA sequencing. They used a piece of coal he left behind after fucking it one sunny summer day while taking a stroll down a rural Kentucky road. What they found, Hornaydieux told everyone, was “alarmingly new” and caused quite a bit of skepticism among them.

“The very notion of being racist as sperm was beyond preposterous up until this point. So when my team started expressing their healthy skepticism in our initial results, I joined them in that skepticism,” Hornaydieux admitted. “However, over time, patterns emerged in the data that were unmistakable, to us at any rate. This is why we are so looking forward to the peer review stage. So we can know once and for all of Mitch McConnell was a racist sperm, or just looks like one now.”

We asked for a comment from Sen. McConnell’s office, and the following is what we were provided.

“The Senior Senator from The Bluegrass, Coal, and Toothless Incest State does not have time to address such twisted and wicked things as science. He has no time for such frivolities, as he is too busy ensuring his Confederate Flag underpants will be clean and ready for the day he votes to block the first black female Supreme Court Justice in history.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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