Republican Horrified By Lack Of Dystopian Rhetoric In DNC Speeches

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HOBART, ARKANSAS — Though he is a staunch conservative Republican, 48-year-old out of work electrician Clem O’Connell prides himself on keeping an open mind. That’s why he makes sure to watch the Democratic National Convention every night of every presidential election season. Clem contacted us after the first night of 2016’s DNC and told us he was “scared, truly scared” by what he heard, or rather didn’t hear, coming out of the various’ speakers mouths.

“Not a single one told the American people the truth Donald Trump and Republicans told them,” Clem said, “that we’re all just literally five minutes away from a combination nuclear winter, terrorist attack, and mandatory abortions.”

Mr. O’Connell told us that he thinks the speeches delivered by the likes of Senators Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, and Bernie Sanders showed a “dangerous lack of playing to people’s worst fears.” He says that First Lady Michelle Obama’s speech was “long on positive vibes and libtarded views of making the country better by making it more equal” but it was “short on the divisive, angry, fire and brimstone rhetoric” that Republicans know to be the true reality America faces.

“The only way to make America great again,” Clem says, “is to admit we’re all just one blink away from complete and total anarchistic chaos.”

Another issue that Clem says the Democratic speakers all “missed the boat” on was the topic of gun control.

“Why didn’t a single Democrat tell Americans the honest truth about coming for our guns,” Clem demanded. He said that it’s been “obvious as shit” to Republican voters since the moment the networks called the 2008 election for Obama that he was dead-set on “grabbing all the guns.” Mr. O’Connell claims that only because right-wing media outlets have kept “real, honest, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots fired-up” about it has President Obama not succeeded in his “obvious plot to disarm America.”

Ultimately, Clem says while he is disappointed with the Democrats “lack of honesty about how terrible America is right now,” he’s not surprised.

“The libtards never level with their voters,” Clem said, “that’s why Democrats don’t know Social Security is a nearly insolvent Ponzi Scheme, Vince Foster was murdered, Hillary and Bill are secret communists, Barack Obama is a secret gay Kenyan communist, and Michelle Obama is his beard. These are all well-known and accepted facts in the conservative world. So why don’t liberals know them? Because they’re all uppity and demand ‘real’ facts and ‘real’ truth spoon fed to them by like, books, and history and stuff.”

“Republicans know the truth about America,” Clem concluded, “and that’s that it’s a nightmarish hellpocalypse that’s also the greatest country ever that would only be greater if the libtarded libtards let us dismantle our government and all the progress we’ve made in the last 240 years. I just wish Killary Clintstoned would be honest with her people about that undeniable fact.”

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