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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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MAGA News

Gwyneth Paltrow and David Avocado Wolfe Appointed to Coronavirus Response Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though his administration is telling Americans that the coronavirus has been...
Science & Medicine

CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this...
Economy

Trump: “Okay You Poor Little Shits, You Get Your Check. Now Go Die for Capitalism.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Microphones caught President Donald J. Trump in a hot mic situation...
MAGA News

Trump Brags That Obama ‘Could Never Have as Many COVIDs’ As He Has

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is still attempting to guide the country through...
Science & Medicine

Town Passes Law Allowing You to Shit on TP Hoarders’ Lawns

LAKE PELOUSE DE MERDE, WISCONSIN -- On a 3-2 vote, the local city council...
MAGA News

Trump Will Hold Instagram Live Cross Burning to ‘Make Up For’ Canceled Campaign Rallies

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump reportedly has been quite unnerved at how long...
MAGA News

CDC Says Coronavirus Feeds Off Trump’s Ego

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control have announced what they...
LGTBQ+

Pat Robertson Says COVID-19 is God’s Punishment for Supreme Court’s Marriage Equality Decision

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- The United States Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage...
The War on Drugs

Is Weed Really Safe? Man Smokes Pot, Suffers Lava Burns 36 Hours Later

How safe is legal weed if you can smoke some literally days later get into an accident?
Economy

Country That Can’t Afford Universal Health Care Magically Finds $2 Trillion in Cash Lying Around

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning and unforeseen turn of events, the United States...
Lifestyle

Man Issues Formal Apology to Every Woman He Couldn’t Make Come

HIDDEN GORGE, CALIFORNIA -- This week, fifteen women throughout the country received the same...
Economy

Pro-Life Evangelical Christian Explains Why Grandma Has to Die to Save Boeing Stock Prices

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Bill Millen, an outspoken and devout supporter of President...
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)