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8 Things Ted Cruz Has Defended More Rigorously Than His Own Wife

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There are few men who are considered braver, or even as brave, as Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX).

Perhaps nobody knows the heights to which Ted’s chivalry and courage soars more than his wife, Heidi. Ted is such a valiant, ever-ready companion, loyal to Heidi and no one else, that when a certain would-eventually-be president called her ugly during the 2016 campaign season, Cruz angrily defended her honor.


Over the course of the next four years, however, Cruz became more and more acquainted with his wife’s bully’s posterior. Ted wasted no time ingratiating himself with the man who used to host a reality-TV game show, and then was given the nuclear codes.

If you think Ted Cruz is a cowardly, mealy-mouthed, sniveling little garbage twat with loyalty only to himself, you’d be right. However, believe it or not, there are some things that Cruz has defended, and much more rigorously than his wife, Ugly Heidi. What are those things?

Glad you asked.

8 Things Ted Cruz Has Defended More Rigorously Than His Own Wife

1. Donald Trump

You could probably see this one coming from a mile away, in a cab, after midnight. It still had to be said. In the four years he was in office, few Republicans prostrated themselves at his prostate quite like Cruz did. Apparently the way to Ted Cruz’s heart is through his ears, and by calling his wife, the mother of his children, ugly. Even after Trump got Ted caught up in Insurrection Fever, Cruz couldn’t quit Trump.

2. Thomas Jefferson’s Rapey, Slaveholder Past

Sometimes, one has to wonder if Republicans simply are just okay with rape and racism. Otherwise, why would they care if a statue to a rapey racist was taken down? And let’s be honest — for all his good qualities, for all the things Thomas Jefferson did that weren’t morally questionable, he still, ultimately, was a rapey racist. But recently when a statue of Jefferson in New York City was removed by some local citizens, Cruz felt so offended that he needed to defend Jefferson’s honor, which is strange because we couldn’t find any record of Thomas Jefferson calling Heidi ugly.

3. Anti-Vaxxer Nutjobs

In Ted Cruz’s America, it’s tyranny for private companies to decide their work staff needs to be vaccinated. Despite the fact that anti-vaxxers are free to pursue employment literally anywhere else that doesn’t require a vaccination against COVID-19, Teddy has repeatedly come to the defense of anyone who wants to stick it to the man by refusing a free, life saving vaccine. Cruz especially loves when he can go from telling pro athletes to keep their mouths shut about politics to gleefully amplifying their anti-vax bullshit.

4. Donald Trump’s Legacy

It might be shocking that someone whose wife was called ugly in the national press would be so dedicated to protecting the legacy of the man who called his wife ugly, but then you have to remember what a spineless cunt Ted Cruz is. Since Trump has left office, Cruz has made sure to fluff his balls publicly with tweets and social media posts comparing Trump favorably to Joe Biden, and Barack Obama. Anything that’s good is only good because Trump did it, and everything that’s bad is only bad because Biden changed what Trump did. Talk about Trump Derangement Syndrome? Cruz has Trump Defense Syphilis.

5. Cancun’s Tourism Industry

Now this one is tricky. Technically, Ugly Heidi was wrapped up in Ted’s short-lived career as Cancun’s Board of Tourism’s spokesdouche. I think I might to have call this one a draw, but the point is, and always will be: Fuck Ted Cruz.

6. Parental Rights of Rapists

Ted is a big supporter of Texas’ new six-week abortion ban, and hopes it’s a way for every red state in America to turn women into birthing cows. Texas’ law is so draconian, it doesn’t even let a woman get an abortion after six weeks if she was raped in order to conceive. In theory, a rapist could rape a woman, get her pregnant, and then sue her for $10,000 for aborting his rape baby. And Ted Cruz thinks all that is just about as American as apple pie and cross burnings.

7. Donald Trump’s Taintular Region

Did we mention he loves Don Trump yet?

8. White Nationalist Insurrectionists

Now, this one really and truly makes sense. The insurrectionist cry baby sore loser domestic terrorists who stormed the capitol on January 6th were there, in no small part, thanks to weeks of being stoked into a violent rage by Ted Cruz and other Republicans. So of course, since then Cruz has done everything in his power to downplay and minimize that day, and the actions of the morons who tried to topple American democracy.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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