JONESTOWN, IOWA — The Republican Party of Iowa voted by narrow two-vote margin yesterday to officially unrecognize Rep. Liz Cheney as a member of its organization. This comes after Cheney refused to back down in her criticism of former President Don Trump, or to remove herself from the House Special Select Committee investigating Trump’s failed insurrection.
In a written statement accompanying the vote, the 31 Republicans who voted to oust Cheney explained their rationale. We have chosen to re-print their letter verbatim.
It is with deep sorrow and regret that we formally unrecognize Lord Darth Cheney’s daughter, Rep. Liz Cheney. While it is true that Ms. Cheney has been a good little Republican, and voted to support every single one of former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Don J. Trump’s proposals, and even though she’s supported our own brand of fiscal sociopathy for decades, it just simply was not enough. Cheney’s loyalty has proven dangerously high to the Constitution, but dangerously low to the ego of a D-list game show host, and for that she cannot be trusted, and must pay the price for her lack of vision.
For many decades, simply supporting every single war of choice while telling the American people we couldn’t “afford” to help them in any way, shape, or form, cuz communism, would have been enough to be a Republican in good standing here in Wyoming. Well, in case Ms. Cheney missed the memo — we’re a cult now, not a political party, and the rules have changed. Undying loyalty to the country means nothing if the country isn’t being run by a feckless, ruthless con man who has never accomplished anything without taking the credit for someone else’s work.
While it is highly unlikely for Ms. Cheney to ever regain our trust fully, should she wish to get back in our good graces, she has but one simple task to complete: publicly bow and scrape at the feet of our Dear Leader. Beg for his forgiveness, and pledge to stop the January 6th committee before it finds evidence on our Kingly God’s entire administration.
Should Rep. Cheney do these things, the Republican Party of Wyoming will consider her on the road to redemption, and will bring her back into our fold, on a purely probationary basis. One slip up, and she’s gone again. Toe the line, or pay the price. You know, cuz freedom, or whatever.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.