Trump Asks John Kelly If Taxpayers Will Still Pay For His Golf Outing Security During Government Shutdown

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are telling reporters that this morning, President Trump seemed to be accepting of the fact that the federal government could shutdown under his watch in just a matter of days.

With a looming budget resolution crisis ahead of him, Trump seemed to throw more cold water on the possibility of a bipartisan compromise this morning on Twitter. Trump proclaimed angrily that funding for the Children’s Health Insurance Program, or CHIP, should have a “long term solution” and that Democrats want to shut down the government to avoid talk of the companies giving bonuses and bringing jobs back to America.

Funding for CHIP, in the latest continuing resolution proposed, however, would have been funded for six years, not 30 days. It’s unclear whether the president knew this at the time he sent the tweet. However, according to sources close to the president, he has nearly resigned himself to the idea of the government shutting itself down, and he had one very pressing concern about it.

“John! John! I gotta question for you John,” Trump bellowed from within the Oval Office at his Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, who was standing just two feet away from him. “Oh! There you are, John. Don’t sneak up on a man of my extremely good health! Anyway, quick question: Are the taxpayers going to keep paying for the security I need when I go golfing — excuse me — work hard for the American people 18 holes at a time?”

With a heavy, deep sigh, General Kelly answered his boss.

“Yes, sir, your Secret Service security detail is considered to be necessary spending, even in a shutdown,” Kelly confirmed. “But sir, honestly, I would advise against you taking any big, long trips or even golf outings during a shutdown; it looks unseemly to a lot of Americans.”

Trump laughed so hard a tiny bit of pee came out, which he touched, and sniffed quickly, eyes rolling back in his head.

“Americans? Who cares about Americans? I’m not President of America,” Trump said. “I’m President of the United States.”

Kelly sighed again.

“Of America, sir. The full name is United States of America,” Kelly said.

“That’s not what I understand, and what have we talked about, John,” Trump asked.

Kelly sighed once more.

“That everything has to be exactly as you say it is, even if it isn’t because we don’t want temper tantrums that turn into nuclear winters,” Kelly said, like he’d said it a million times before.

Trump laughed again.

“Exactly, John, exactly,” Trump said. “Now, go fire up Trump Force One so we can go down to Mar-A-Lago and get some holes in.”

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and Political Garbage Chute.

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