Trump Admits Late Night, Angry Anti-Machado Tweets Came From ‘Some Guy On A Coke Bender’

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The political world is abuzz this morning after Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump fired off a series of angry tweets directed at Alicia Machado, the former Miss Universe winner. Machado is back in the spotlight after Trump’s harsh criticisms of her weight back in 2003 resurfaced. Trump’s team has been going full-bore at Machado all week, and late Thursday night, Trump fired off a series of tweets attacking her again, even intimating that a sex tape with her in it exists and imploring people to watch it.

Trump’s tweets, which have yet to be deleted, are seen below:

After the press and social media became aware of the tweets and started criticizing him for them, a sniffling Trump assembled a hasty press conference outside his Trump Tower building to explain the origin of the tweets.

“Those tweets came in the wee hours of the morning,” Trump said, snorting a blast of air through his right nostril, “and they came from some guy on a coke bender.”

Trump said he wanted to “make it bigly clear” that he wasn’t the one sending the tweets, and it wasn’t even the angry orange orangutan he hired as his Twitter intern.

“The orangutan had the night off,” Trump went on as he pinched is right nostril closed so he could sniff quickly in with the left one, “so we let the Twitter thing be done by just some totally random, unrelated guy on a cocaine binge. I can assure you that it wasn’t anyone related to me or anything like that. Just some totally new guy I’d never, ever, ever, ever seen before.”

Some reporters asked why the tweets seemed to come in Trump’s same signature style as before. Still other reporters reminded Trump that there was wild speculation after his first debate with Hillary Clinton that Trump might have used cocaine beforehand. Howard Dean tweeted jokingly about just that subject, but some reporters wondered if Trump’s anti-Machado tweet blast and admission that it came from someone on cocaine meant there was more to the story than the alleged billionaire was letting onto.

“No, guys, shut up,” Trump said to the reporters asking him questions as he wiped at his upper lip, just below his nose, “and just take my words at face value, please. Those tweets definitely came from my Twitter account, and they most certainly attacked people I’d want to attack. Hell, you’d be correct in asserting that they even look and sound like tweets I’d have sent in the past. But he’s not me! He’s some totally random guy who likes cocaine and firing off early-morning tweets that berate and abuse women!”

The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment, and the Trump campaign declined to identify the coked-out man running Donald’s Twitter account Thursday night.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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