Putin Furious Trump Hasn’t Asked NFL Players To Stand For Russian National Anthem Yet

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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian President Vladimir Putin told reporters in his country today that he has reached out to President Donald Trump to seek some clarification from him on an issue of critical importance to Mr. Putin.

“Today I sent a cable via the Kushner Wire to President Oranzhevyy and demanded to know why he hasn’t forced players in the National Football League to stand for our anthem,” Putin announced.

Trump has been in a battle of words with dozens of NFL players who have taken up the protests of police brutality on the African-American community from embattled former quarterback Colin Kaepernick since the beginning of the season. Some on the Hill believe his insistence on tweeting about the protests — in which players simply kneel quietly or otherwise do not participate in National Anthem ceremonies before games.

Putin says it’s time for Trump to step up his efforts and also get the players to stand “for their shadow government.”

“We had a deal, my bitch,” Putin says he wrote to Trump in the back channel cable. “I thought if anyone could handle the blacks in your country in a non-PC way, it would be the guy endorsed by the KKK. Maybe I was wrong to put so much faith you, my little orange orangutan.”

President Putin’s cable demands that Trump “stop all the cuckoldry and get down to business.”

“Namely, the business of forcing Americans to respect the power and majesty of the Russia,” Putin’s cable explains. “You are right to demand fealty, loyalty, and allegiance from your subjects. And I have to give you kudos for  But you need to remember they are technically my subjects, unless you want the world to see just how much you know that Golden Showers bring May flowers.”

President Trump has not responded yet to Putin’s cable, but as he was leaving the White House for his routine morning covfefe run, he told reporters he’d get to it this afternoon.

“I know not to leave Daddy waiting too long,” Trump said.

This is a developing story.

More satire:

Trump Suspends First Amendment For “Disrespectful Urbans Who Play Pro Sports”

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