New Petition Asks Jeff Bezos to Take Donald Trump and Ted Cruz into Space With Him

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Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon, announced recently that he plans to be on the first ship built by Blue Origin — a company he owns — that is sent into space. As reported by CNN, Bezos is one of three famous billionaires with companies focused on space flight and exploration, and would be the first among them to breach into the cosmos.

If all goes according to plan, Bezos — the world’s richest person with a net worth of $187 billion — will be the first of the billionaire space tycoons to experience a ride aboard the rocket technology that he’s poured millions into developing. Not even Elon Musk, whose SpaceX builds rockets powerful enough to enter orbit around Earth, has announced plans to travel to space aboard one of his companies human-worthy crew capsules. (CNN)

When Bezos gets onboard the shuttle bound for space, he’ll be joined by his brother. However, a new petition that has received millions of signatures thus far, is asking him to make room for two more passengers — Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) and former one term, twice-impeached, never won the popular vote President Donald J. Trump. The petition also asks that Bezos’ mission be updated to include “firing those wormy douchebags into the sun or toward Pluto.”

Read the full petition, below.

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If Jeff Bezos really wants to help humankind, he won’t just risk his own life and limb on this space mission. He’ll risk his sanity by volunteering to lock himself in a ship bound for space with two of the most toxically stupid and mendacious people on Earth. This petition humbly requests that Mr. Bezos ensure that his ship has enough room to include Ted Cruz and Donald Trump as part of its crew.

Further, we ask that Bezos alter the ship’s mission. Firing those wormy douchebags into the sun or toward Pluto would do more to make this country, and indeed this planet, a better place than pretty much anything else Mr. Bezos has planned. Don’t get us wrong, stroking your ego by being the first Lex Luthor lookin’ motherfucker to pay for his own ticket into outer space is cool, and all, but maybe Jeff could do us all a solid and catapult the Booger Eater and the Daughter Luster into the sun.

If you can’t take them both, at least take one of them. And then tell the other you won’t be able to take off unless he pushes you off the platform. For the love of God, Jeff, help us out here.

Pretty please, with stock options on top.

Mr. Bezos has not commented on the petition thus far.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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