WICHITA, KANSAS — “They say money can’t buy you happiness,” Brad Sklave-Münzen, junior spokesman for Koch Industries began his conference earlier this week referencing an old axiom, “Koch Industries isn’t out to buy happiness for themselves or anyone else,” Sklave-Münzen told the assembled reporters. “We’re just looking for the best government money can buy.”
Sklave-Münzen was in front of Wichita’s favorite bowling alley, barbecue joint and church, “The Rollin’ Q Ministries,” addressing concerns raised by members of the media and people on the left side of the political spectrum that his employers were planning to dump nearly a billion dollars in dark money on the 2016 presidential election. “Koch Industries fully embraces the traditional American view that money is speech and corporations are people,” Sklave-Münzen said at one point, “and while we sympathize that not every American has the kind of accumulated, gaudy ‘speech’ in their bank accounts than we do, we’re not about to give our freedom of expression,” the junior spokesman said, “and so we’re going to express ourselves all over and inside next year’s election. Just like we believe the founders would have intended.
“Sure, we could give around a thousand families a hundred grand to pay down their debts, put their kids in better schools, or pay those medical bills they’ve racked up, but we have a vested interest in protecting our speech from further taxation Sklave-Münzen told reporters.”Yes, we could two thousand families about fifty thousand dollars to help to pay for food, keep the lights on and generally help where fifty grand helps most, but we’d rather push our agenda on people than help them.”
“Look,” said Sklave-Münzen at one point in the press conference, “why give three thousand families some peace of mind with no strings attached when you can funnel a few million dollars into Marco Rubio’s campaign fund? Why help thousands of families pay their bills and stay afloat so they can keep our economy going in the long run, when we can donate to Scott Walker’s campaign and he’ll make sure to kick back fat contracts to Koch Industries?”
Sklave-Münzen insists that “Americans really have nothing to worry about” when it comes to the seemingly obscene levels of money that his employers are willing to shell out to try and literally buy an election. “Hollywood’s liberal hive mind will have you believe that two crazy-rich men buying off an entire election season is somehow damaging to the idea of a republic like ours because the amount of money being spent on campaigns would absolutely imply that there was some quid pro quo going on since no one spends a billion bucks and expects nothing in return, but who are you going to believe,” he asked, “Hollywood liberal heathens, or the real-life, non-mallard versions of Scrooge McDuck’s arch nemesis Flintheart Glomgold?”
One reporter in attendance asked how Charles and David Koch would feel if a liberal, progressive super-rich billionaire pledged two or even three billion of their own money to try and swing the election their way. “First of all,” Sklave-Münzen chided, “show me a rich liberal. We all know liberals don’t work for their money. They join unions and take welfare and stuff.” Reporters started shouting names like “Warren Buffet,” “Bill Gates,” and “Al Gore” at Sklave-Münzen, but he just shouted over them.
“Sure, you hippies can try to scrape together couch change, lemonade stand money and bake sale proceeds all you want, but you’re never going to match the firepower we have,” Sklave-Münzen said quite seriously toward the end of the presser. “You just aren’t. The only way you’re ever going to stop us is when enough people on both sides of the aisle decide that enough is enough and our government isn’t for sale anymore, electing people who will have the balls to put us in our place and ending this era of run-away corporatism.”
Then Sklave-Münzen laughed for a solid five minutes straight. “We all know that’s not going to happen. We have voter ID laws and gerrymandering going on in all the right places, just enough to keep the gridlock going. Sure, most Americans agree that Citizens United was a terrible decision,” he said with a twinkle in his eye, “but who among you has the capital and the intestinal fortitude to see it abolished?” Silence befell the crowd.
“That’s what I thought.” And with that, Sklave-Münzen got in his company car and drove away, a trail of hundred bills shooting out of the exhaust.