History: The Day a President Suffered Humiliating Insurrectile Dysfunction

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In American history, there are many dates that carry more importance than others. July 4th, December 7th, and September 11th are some of the most famous and infamous. Last year, exactly one year ago, January 6th joined those dates as one of America’s watershed moments.

Historian Dr. Eliza Martin tells us that her research shows January 6th, 2021 was the first and heretofore only time in American history that a president suffered “public and humiliating insurrectile dysfunction.”

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“To be completely fair, though, there haven’t been any other presidents who have even attempted an insurrection. So the former president had a chance to also be the only president to achieve a sustained, massive insurrection in public. It’s just that, in this instance, like every other in his life, he failed. Hilariously so,” Martin told us.

Some facts surrounding Trump’s insurrectile dysfunction remain unknown.

“What my team and I are trying to determine is if he cut a check for $130,000 to the Constitution after trying to fuck it, like he does with the other people he’s tried to cheat on his wife with,” Martin explained.

Dr. Martin believes that, despite the global humiliation of suffering a failed insurrection in live TV, former President Trump would “very likely go for it again,” if given the chance.

“If history is preamble to the present, then I’d say there’s ample evidence that this guy would very likely go for it again. How many businesses has he bankrupted or run into the ground, only to start another boondoggle scam and run that one into ground,” Martin asked rhetorically.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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