LOS TERRORISTAS BLANCOS, CALIFORNIA — Many Americans who live in other states have come to view California as a big, blue monolith.
After years of progressive politics dominating the state legislature, and considering California hasn’t gone for a Republican presidential candidate in decades, one could be, perhaps, forgiven for making that assumption. However, throughout the Golden State, pockets of deep red conservatism can be found. Such is the case in Will Ricci’s hometown, located in the Central Valley.
Recently, Ricci — and a handful of others he knows– received calls from the FBI and he told us he’s “mad as hell” about it.
“This is what happens when you let Democrats rig the election by counting all the votes,” Ricci nearly screamed at our interviewer. “You get tyranny. Apparently, even in a country where I suppose-ab-ly have free speech, I can’t protest my son being forced to wear a mask in school! I use a little locker room stochastic terrorism, and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy? Bullshit.”
Ricci’s problems started when he found out his child’s third grade teacher was enforcing his state’s mask mandate in the classroom. Though rumors have been swirling that Pfizer’s COVID vaccine could be approved for children ages 5-11 very soon, Ricci told us he won’t let his son get it. He is also very much so against masking mandates.
“If I want my child to get a deadly disease that we have a vaccine for, that is my right as a parent in AMERICA,” Ricci shouted. “The liberal intelligentsia may disagree, but that’s the truth! And I will not sit idly by while my child is forced to wear a commie soyboybetacuck mask, just because studies show it helps reduce the spread of the virus!”
Mr. Ricci said that initially, he simply emailed his son’s teacher and asked her not to enforce the mandate, demanding she “stand for libter-TY, not liber-tards!” His son’s teacher politely reminded Ricci that she is bound by state law, and she “even had the temerity” to send him peer-reviewed data on the efficacy of masks in reducing the spread of COVID-19.
“Can you believe it? She sent me information that wasn’t vetted by Alex Jones, Joe Rogan, or Breitbart’s racist troll farm,” Ricci howled. “So I took it to the next level. As any PATRIOT would do! I told her that I was engraving a bullet with her name on it, and that I am not afraid to fight all agents of tyranny, wherever they may be.”
This isn’t the first time Ricci’s gotten a call from the FBI because of his death threats, either.
“I once told the motherfucker at Hometown Buffet if he didn’t take down all the sneeze guards in the place, I’d come back and kill him,” Ricci told us. “They still haven’t rescinded the restraining order, if you can believe it. Of course I can, because I know we live in George Soros’ Communist Hell Hole now!”
The FBI informed us they could not comment on an active investigation.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.