Daesh: We Are ‘Hella Impressed’ With The Gun Lobby’s ‘Soft Terrorism’

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SYRIA — In the wake of Robert Lewis Dear’s assault on a Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado Springs, Colorado a spokesman for Daesh, known also as Daesh or the Islamic State, released a statement praising the American Gun lobby for what the statement calls “the most effective soft terrorism” the group has ever witnessed.

“The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria would like to formally commend the American gun lobby, and in particular the National Rifle Association,” the statement read, “for instituting a sweeping form of soft terrorism that they have helped foster within the United States. We are indeed hella impressed with their ability to create an environment in America where average citizens should worry about being gunned down in a movie theater, at school, in a church, and now while getting low-cost healthcare treatment.”

Later in the statement, Daesh says they “wish to Allah we’d have the ability to convince right-wing Americans that they need guns to protect themselves from each other” because it would make their “goal of turning the West into a simpering pile of jackasses, too afraid to leave their own homes” that much easier. “In a country where everyone is armed to the teeth already,” the statement reads, “aren’t you all already living in an least some terror every day of your lives?”

“All we want is for Americans to live in constant fear,” the Daesh statement explains, “and the NRA’s efforts to produce a subset of gun owner that truly believes their constitution was written in a way that gives them carte blanche to murder elected officials they don’t agree with to protect themselves from so-called tyranny pretty much already did that for us. In fact, if we’re being honest, we just held a meeting last week and we voted to scale-down our plans to attack Americans on their own soil because right-wing extremists seem to have already laid more than enough of that groundwork for us.”

The Daesh press release calls the Planned Parenthood assault in Colorado Springs the “kind of terror attack that we religious fundamentalists really like to sink our teeth into.” In the 2000 word statement, Daesh explicitly asked NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre to fly to Daesh controlled territory so that he and they can “brainstorm new ways to create a culture of gun worshiping that brings the level of fear in America to new, wondrous heights.”

“Mr. LaPierre and his team are clearly more skilled at terrorizing average Americans than we are,” the statement says, “and the best part is that they do it under the guise of freedom of speech. Only a foolish person would assume that the Second Amendment gives you the right to start a bloody revolution whenever you lose a few election cycles in a row, but yet somehow that’s exactly what LaPierre and the NRA have managed to convince millions of Americans of — the notion that the founders of their country would totally approve of them killing everyone they don’t agree with, instead of settling it at the ballot boxes.”

Representatives from the NRA could not be reached at the time of publication.

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