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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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Conservative Media

Alabama GOP Outraged ‘Cuties’ Director Didn’t Invite Roy Moore to World Premiere

BONINSISTERS, ALABAMA -- The Alabama Republican Party issued a scathing rebuke of the controversial...
Criminal Justice

Convicted Killer Set Free After Showing Up To Sentencing in a Blue Shirt and Badge

FORT ACAB, TENNESSEE -- A man convicted of first degree murder was unexpectedly released...
Conservative Media

Idiot Wants Moron to Moderate Debate With Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The 2020 presidential election is just over 50 days away, and...
MAGA News

Man Who Intentionally Wiped Out 200k Americans Outraged Mueller’s Agents Accidentally Wiped Their Phones

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If there's one thing we know about Trump supporters, it's that...
MAGA News

Trump Encourages Nation to ‘Never Forget’ 9/11 and ‘Always Forget’ Covid-19

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- 19 years ago today, Al Qaeda operatives boarded four planes and...
MAGA News

On 9/11, Trump Pauses to Honor the Loss of 1.5% of Those Lost to Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Donald Trump acknowledged a great American tragedy that resulted...
MAGA News

Trump: “The Buck Stops With Bob Woodward”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The first president to use the phrase "The Buck Stops Here"...
MAGA News

Trump: “I Didn’t Want to Panic Everyone About the Virus Until I Knew If It Had Brown Skin!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House in recent hours has trotted out a new...
MAGA News

Ted Cruz Says Trump’s Dick “Tastes Like a Lifetime Appointment”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Scholars of American history perhaps have never answered the question before,...
Women's Rights

Tom Cotton Can’t Wait to Be All Up Inside Your Pussies, America

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Maybe it won't happen. In order for it to happen, not...
MAGA News

McDitzydick Clarifies: “The President Didn’t Downplay COVID, He Just Played It Down!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- To say it was a tough day for the Trump administration...
U.S. Politics

Trump Warns of Biden’s ‘Reckless Competency and Foolish Planning’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If Americans do not re-elect him this fall, President Donald Trump...
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)