Since he left office in January of last year, Donald Trump’s business has been inundated with legal troubles. Both the State and City of New York are investigating the Trump Organization for what they allege is a pattern and practice of fraudulent behavior.
Things went from bad to worse recently when Mazars retracted ten years of financial statements it had prepared on behalf of the Trump Organization, effectively ending its relationship with the former president. Analysts have said this could spell disaster for Trump’s business dealings, as there is currently no accounting firm that will back up any claims the Trumps make about their company’s finances. Today, however, the public learned that the former president’s two adult sons have hatched a plan to help rescue their family from certain calamity.
“Don Jr and Eric both signed up for remedial counting courses at Trump University, and by all accounts they’re doing quite well,” one family source told us in a phone interview. “Apparently, Don Jr’s already able to count to twenty one, and his teachers say he should be able to do that without his front zipper down sometime soon. Eric I guess is counting to three quite strongly, but gets confused and starts singing his ABC’s after that, which if you know Eric like we do, you know that’s the smartest he’s literally ever been.”
For most of their lives, Trump’s male crotch fruit have had no reason to learn much of anything, especially to count. Their father raised them much in the way his own parents raised him, according to the same family source.
“Don Sr. always told us that he thought his mom and dad were right to raise their sons thinking their shit doesn’t stink, and raising their daughters to not be off-put by Daddy trying to fingerblast them,” our source said, “which is exactly how he raised his own kids. Tradition means everything to Don Trump.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.