Texas Governor Greg Abbott Served Vaginal Eviction Notice

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AUSTIN, TEXAS — The Governor of Texas has been served with a 30 Day eviction notice, and by court order he must be vacated from all Texan vaginae before that time. The writ of eviction comes just a day after the Supreme Court batted down his state’s law that would have shuttered nearly every abortion clinic in The Lone Star State had it withstood judicial review.

“I have been given this notice,” Gov. Greg Abbott told reporters as he was seen moving a large U-Haul box out of a woman’s uterus on 4th and Stubb’s Ave in Austin this morning, “and I will comply. I will be out of every vagina in the state by the end of the month.” Abbott said it would “take awhile” but that he heard the message from the Supreme Court “loud and clear.”

The eviction notice was served by the Obama administration’s Justice Department early Tuesday morning. The eviction was carried out as part of a class action suit brought on behalf of all women in Texas by Mary Sue Parker of San Chingadera, Texas. Parker told the press this morning she was “delighted and pleased” that Abbott was complying because “he’s shown a stubborn willingness to be an obtuse douche” in the past.

Judge Helen Strassel’s order stated that she believed the Supreme Court ruling striking down Texas’ law made Abbott’s “constant, incessant vigil over Texan uteri” unnecessary and “unconstitutional.”

Wherefore it is adjudicated by this court that the Supreme Court decision in Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt renders Texas law H.B. 2 unconstitutional, it is hereby ordered that Governor Greg Abbott and any agents or assigns of his be duly evicted from any and all uteri in the state. Governor Abbott will have thirty (30) days to have all his shit packed up and removed. Any woman who currently is hosting Abbott’s surveillance equipment, or Abbott himself, in her uterus is hereby authorized to put all his stuff in a box and toss it out on the lawn.

Under another condition of the eviction, Abbott must also turn over all the vaginal and uterine registry he had created using taxpayer funds at the beginning of this year. The registry, he said at the time, was meant to “ensure that the small, teeny-tiny government” of Texas could “crawl up inside our ladies’ cooters” and make sure “nothing we didn’t want to have happen” took place inside the boundaries of any womb in Texas.

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