Santa Claus Tells Man It’s Time to Stop Believing in Made Up Things Like Trump Won

Published on

GREEN VALLEY, ARKANSAS — This weekend, St. Nick, otherwise known as Santa Claus, had one what one eyewitness described as a “tense but ultimately friendly exchange” with an American man in his late forties.

“My friend, all I’m saying is that it’s probably time, at your age, to stop believing in things that are clearly fiction, and obvious fantasy. Believing in made up things is fine when you are a child, sir, but you really should stop all that by your age,” Claus was overheard telling the man.

We Asked Doctors and EMTs to Explain How Rittenhouse Could Render First Aid With His AR-15

Reportedly, the interaction took place at a local bait and tackle shop. An unidentified male, wearing a red MAGA hat and a “Let’s Go Brandon 2024” t-shirt approached Claus, who was in town to do a little fishing and relaxing before the Christmas preparations at the North Pole kept him from taking such personal time. The local resident noticed Claus waiting in line to pay for some fishing supplies, and asked him what he’s getting for Christmas this year.

“Oh, well, I don’t have my list on me at the time, friend. However, judging by your outfit, I’d say a lump of coal is a pretty good bet,” Claus said, laughing as his belly, as big as a bowl full of gelatinous dessert, shook.

The man didn’t find that funny at all, and asked him why he’d be getting a lump of coal.

“Because participating in or supporting the overthrow of democratic governments and subverting elections puts you on the Naughty List, of course,” Claus explained.

“Look, I try not to be too harsh on anybody. I deliver toys to good little boys and girls, no matter how dumb they are. However, doing a coup isn’t just dumb; it’s dangerous. It’s terrorism. What kind of person would I be if I rewarded that kind of idiocy? I’m not immovable. Show me growth, show me that you no longer believe your reality-TV con man won an election he clearly didn’t, and I’ll put you back on the Nice List. If not, well, then good day to you sir.”

Rittenhouse Fires Attorneys, Says Judge is Doing ‘Good Enough Job’ Without Them

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have...

I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that...

Jesus: “Silencing Transgender People Isn’t Christian, It’s Cunty”

"I specifically told people to stop being judgmental little twatwaffles to everyone." In Montana, elected...

A Complete List of All the 2024 Presidential Candidates Currently on Trial for Rape

In New York City, a former President of the United States is being sued...