Rubio Says OJ Was Just Probably Just Kidding Around With His Knife

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — While out jogging around town, Senator Marco Rubio was spotted and stopped by some reporters. Senator Rubio graciously agreed to talk to them about a whole host of subjects. Mr. Rubio has recently come under fire for seeming to dismiss as trolling what others call President Donald J. Trump’s transparent attempt to engage a foreign country to help him influence a domestic election.

Senator Rubio dismissed questions about Trump’s attempts to persuade the new Ukrainian president to dig up dirt on Biden by suggesting Trump may have just been kidding around, or even trolling the press when he stood on the White House lawn and begged China and Ukraine to help him win next year’s election. Over the weekend, Rubio was overheard talking to his mother on the phone.

“Mom, I just don’t think it’s a big deal. I mean, sure, if Obama had done it I’d have citizen’s arrested himself,” Rubio was heard saying, “but I don’t know. He’s so mean to me when I stand up to him. And I don’t wanna be called Little Marco, again, Mommmmmmmmmmmmm!”

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While Rubio declined to answer any questions about his thoughts on Trump and the Ukraine today, he did offer some comments on a variety of other topics.

“You know, I was thinking the other day about the whole OJ Simpson thing. You know, the murder deal, I guess,” Rubio said, bringing up the case of the former NFL superstar who was acquitted of murder despite a mountain of physical, circumstantial, and DNA evidence pointing to his guilt, “and I don’t know why his defense team never argued this, but what if he was just kidding around with his knife?”

The reporters around Rubio were truly and utterly baffled.

“Stop and think about it. Maybe he was joking, and the cops, the coroner, the district attorneys, they were all suckered into caring,” Rubio said. “I mean, I’m just saying, what if? What if he was just kidding with that knife, over and over again? Kidding the point of nearly cutting one of their heads off, sure, but JUST KIDDING.”

Rubio framed his argument another way.

“Maybe, despite all the evidence that he did it, Trump — excuse me, OJ — was just trolling! Think about that,” Rubio said, proud of himself. “I’m pretty sure, in fact, that OJ was just trolling. People love to troll you guys in the media, because you’re so naive. Oh hey, that reminds me, don’t let me forget to tell you all about the magic of trickle down economics after this. Then we’ll get into how there were WMD in Iraq, cool?”

Before jogging off, Rubio threw out a few more incidents from history where he thinks “the media missed the boat” and didn’t catch that someone was “just Joshing around.”

“Hitler was just kidding about the final solution. Ted Cruz was just kidding about the zodiac signs leading him to commit murder,” Rubio said, jogging away. “The 9/11 hijackers were also just kidding around with the planes. And Japan’s bombers were just totally joking with their bombs.”

Reportedly, there was a treat on Rubio’s desk waiting for him, with a note from the president, praising him.

“Good job, Little Marco! Good boy,” the note read. “Jump for Daddy! Roll over! Play stupid and keep providing me legal cover for my crimes and abuses of of my office!”

At the time of reporting, Rubio was seen packing away his balls, saying he “clearly no longer” has any need for them.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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