Republican ‘Relieved’ San Bernardino Shooters Had ‘Muslim-esque’ Names

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SAN GUERRA, CALIFORNIA — Chuck Buelow is a 31 year old self-described “conservative Republican,” though he say she’d “easily denounce the GOP if a more conservative party formed.” Being a Republican, he says that he believes pundits and politicians when they tell him that the most dangerous threat to American safety and stability is from Islamic terrorism, and in no way can the rising tide of mass shootings — there have been more in 2015 than there have been days in the year — be seen as anything but “a natural cost to pay for living a society free enough to let you arm yourself to the teeth for no good reason other than you want to.” So when he found out that the shooters in the San Bernardino spree killing that left 14 dead and even more wounded

“In this world of uncertainty, where all of a sudden I can’t discriminate against a gay when I want,” Buelow told our interviewer,  “and where now I can’t tell mildly to full-blown racist jokes in public without risking losing my job, it’s just nice when things totally confirm my biases.” Buelow said those biases are what keep him “firmly ensconced with the notion that climate change is a hoax, that Supply Side economics works, and that Islamic radicals somehow pose a bigger threat to me than the millions of white, angry, conservatives who are totally cool with a violent and bloody revolution if they don’t like election results.”

Buelow said that he is “utterly relieved to know that the shooters had Muslim-esque names” because it makes him “feel like at least some of the rhetoric” he hears from sources like “Fox News hosts and Rush Limbaugh” is correct. “I don’t know what I’d do,” Mr. Buelow  said, “if it turned out that, say, over the course our country’s history far more people have been killed by Christians than Muslims.” Our reporter showed him historical evidence that was indeed the case, and Buelow got very quite for a minute then called the veracity of the information into question stating that “public school education and like, historical evidence would make you believe that nonsense, but the truth is different because I feel it.”

“Oh God, if I had to confront the ubiquity of guns and the death of mental health care,” Buelow told our staffer as he was ending the conversation, “instead of just relying on my innate and fostered Islamaphobia, I might decide that some common sense gun laws are okay, and then I become a gun grabber, and my friend will start calling me a Statist and he’ll put me on the kill list we’ve been putting together – er I mean, shall not be infringed.”

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