Despite what the Kremlin, or their propagandists such as super-journalist Glenn Greenwald might tell his Twitter followers, Vladimir Putin’s illegal and barbaric invasion of Ukraine is not going all that well. After weeks of shelling civilian enclaves, Russia’s advances have stalled as the Ukrainian armed forces have been bolstered by western weapons and financial aid.
Reports inside Russia, however, are that Putin’s war machine is working full-time to keep the reality of the situation from reaching the eyes and ears of his people. Putin has been rallying public support for his murder of innocent women and children, insisting that his troops are liberating Ukraine from Nazis and protecting Russian speakers. As much as Putin is putting the hard sell on the Russian people, though, this morning he signed an order that seems to belie his acknowledgment that the war is not going that well.
As of this moment, the Russian army will no longer give out draft exemptions for people with bone spurs, dementia, or a lifelong, white supremacist view of the world. In 2016, Putin declared that Russian citizens and puppets no longer would be forced to serve in the Russian army if they suffered from one, or all three, of those ailments. It’s unclear how many people this spared from being conscripted, but now it appears Putin is so desperate for troops, he’s rescinded the bone spur draft exemption.
A spokesperson for the Kremlin explained the new order in a brief written statement.
“Even though FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF FREEDOM in the media are reporting otherwise, our liberation of Ukraine is going very well. Almost as well as America’s liberation of Iraq or Vietnam. That being said, sometimes when a war is going super-duper well, almost too well, really, the winning side needs to back off a bit, and put in some of its scrubs; it’s B-team. Don’t run up the score, right? Therefore, President Putin signed an order today, calling up all reservists and useful idiots, regardless of their bone spurs, dementia, or racism.”
In unrelated news, former President Donald Trump is said to be missing, and no one has seen him since he told his former First Lady Ivanka he was running out to McDonald’s for some late night Chicken McNuggets just before midnight last night.