Paul Ryan Watches Trump Light Wooden, Lowercase T On Judge’s Lawn; Will Still Vote For Him

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just moments after being shown a video tape of Donald J. Trump (R-Berlin) light a wooden lowercase “T” on Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s lawn, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) condemned the act but said he would still vote for Trump.

“Wow, that is just horrible,” Ryan told a reporter that had handed him an iPad that was playing the video of Trump gleefully lighting the “T” on fire, “and it goes against everything this country is supposed to stand for. It’s racist. It’s intolerable. It’s certainly not presidential.”

As the video played, Ryan kept muttering things like, “Oh God,” and “Man, why is he doing that?” He also repeatedly said he was “not cool’ with Trump lighting the “T” on fire, and he was “very offended” by Trump’s “clearly racist act.”

“My goodness,” Ryan opined, “is this what our country as come to? This is just outrageous. It’s clearly a racist act, and I am deeply offended by it.”

Later in the video, Trump is seen putting up a piñata shaped like Judge Curiel, who is overseeing the civil fraud case against Trump. The case revolves around whether Trump defrauded people by convincing them to spend thousands of dollars attending “Trump University,” which was presented as a prestigious business academy, but allegedly was nothing of the sort. Trump has made several comments in the media indicating that Curiel’s Hispanic heritage makes him incapable of being impartial to Trump, who was recently voted “America’s Next Top Racist” on the reality-TV show, “America’s Next Top Racist.”

“Holy shit, this is indefensible,” Ryan said to the reporter as he watched Trump giggle as he defecated on Curiel’s lawn and then had an aide spell out Go Back to Mexican Land or Whatever That Country Is Called with the feces, which much like Trump’s fingers were short and stunted. “I can’t imagine a president behaving like this,” Ryan continued, “because it’s just beyond the pale of decency. He’s very obviously a racist, or at least he’s willing to act like one to get votes. And of course it’s racist to imply someone’s nationality prevents them from judging something impartially. If it’s not racist it’s bone-headed and stupid!”

Just before the fifteen-minute video ends, Trump is seen singing “La Cucaracha” but replacing the words with nothing but a string of racially-charged terms about Hispanic people. Ryan bowed his head and sighed deeply. A single tear escaped his eye.

“What has my party become,” Ryan asked the reporter, “that this is our guy? We’ve gone from the Party of Lincoln to the Party of This Fuckin’ Guy. He says racist stuff. He’s gotten endorsements from the KKK and David Duke. Actual, real-life white supremacists love this guy. Every time he opens his mouth he’s a liability and I can’t imagine the nightmare the next four or even eight years would be with him in the White House. That’s if he survives the first six months without being impeached and thrown out of office.”

For the next ten minutes, Ryan laid out every instance of Trump’s sexism, racism, xenophobia and Islamaphobia. He said that he’s seen enough examples of it to make him “see how truly ignorant” Trump “likes to behave.” He said that he cannot “fathom what the state department would be like” under Trump’s presidency and that “almost certainly some irreparable harm would be done” in that regard.

Then, the reporter asked Ryan if he was still planning on voting for Trump.

“Yes, yes of course I will vote for him. Because ‘Republican,'” Ryan said almost before the words had completely left the reporter’s mouth.

Current national polling shows Trump trailing presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton, though the spread between the two has shortened in recent weeks.

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