North Carolina Republican Proposes Genitalia Registration Service

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RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA — State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) has proposed that that North Carolina create a new governmental agency and registration service to, in his words, “alleviate the stress and pressure” on the state in the wake of its governor signing HB2 into law.

That law has widely been panned by LGBT+ advocacy groups for setting up a legal barrier for transgender people to use a restroom that is designed for a gender not theirs at birth. Thompaulsen told reporters at a press conference earlier this week that in light of all the boycotts and public pressure from outside the state, that he and his fellow Republicans have come up with an “alternative solution.”

“What we propose is very simple,” Rep. Thompaulsen said, “and that is to create the North Carolina Penis and Vagina Inventory Agency, or NCPVIA for short of course. The NCPVIA will be responsible for the registration of every crotch, groin, and loin in the Tarheel state, and will keep an inventory of those body parts in its centralized database.” Thompaulsen said the NCPVIA’s mission will be to “protect nosy people’s rights to know what other people have in their underpants.”

Thompaulsen said that despite there being no evidence in any crime statistics anywhere that indicates transgender bathroom access leads to sexual offenders using those laws to commit sexual assaults in bathrooms, it’s “the thought of it that counts” and that “if it can happen just one time, that’s enough to write laws that impact a huge number of people and rob them of their right to privacy.”

“Conservatives in this state have a right to know if they’re peeing or pooping in a traditional, Biblical way,” Thompaulsen said, “or if they’re micturating in some Cultural Marxist way where they don’t get to judge people for choosing to do something with their own bodies to make themselves feel more comfortable. What good is a right to privacy if it keeps nosy, religious zealots from knowing what’s in your pants?”

The NCPVIA would first start by registering all newborn baby genitalia in the state, and then they would start systematically canvasing every other North Carolinian for their genitalia. Thompaulsen says the registration drive would work much like the census. Agents would come to residences and places of business throughout the state, and ask everyone they meet to take their pants and underwear off, for registration and inspection.

“That way, we know and everyone knows what’s in your crotch, your sweet, sweet crotch,” Thompaulsen said with a glimmer in his eye. “We’ll then assign everyone a four-digit PIN, which will coincide with their hoo-hoo dilly or mee-momo in their groinular region, and any time from that point forward that you’re peeing in our fair state and you don’t know if you can trust that the person next to you was born with the same happy-happy parts you were, you can ask them for their four-digit PIN, run it into our database via the smartphone app we’ll develop, and in moments you’ll know just how unnecessarily scared of that person you should be.”

One reporter asked Rep. Thompaulsen if he would back a similar measure for firearms in his state.

“Hell no,” he shot back, “for starters because ‘shall not be infringed.’ For seconders, we’re talking about the difference between a gun and a transgender person using a bathroom for a few minutes. One is completely harmless, poses no additional threat to your children, and has been the subject of unfair criticism and societal panic. The other is a gun! A beautiful, glorious gun. And I will do nothing, nothing I tell you, to erode that precious gift the Founders gave us — to own any weapon we want for any purpose we want, because that makes sense. God Bless America, God bless guns, and God bless the Republican Party!”

There are currently six co-sponsors of Thompaulsen’s bill that would fund the North Carolina Penis and Vagina Inventory Agency.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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