Native Spends Columbus Day Telling Americans to Go Back Where They Came From

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FALLBROOK, CALIFORNIA — Tommy Curro, a member of the Pala Native American Tribe, made local headlines today when he stood out on the corner of 5th and Maine in his hometown and told every American citizen he encountered to “go back” where they came from.

“I got up today,” Curro told our reporter, “and decided this Columbus Day was the best time to remind white Americans how ridiculously hypocritical they can be about immigration and foreigners in general.”

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So, Tommy said, he decided to stop every person he encountered, ask them if they are American, and then if so, tell them to “go back” to wherever it is their ancestors came from.

Curro relayed an encounter he had with a middle-aged American woman about his First Amendment expression. The woman told him that he had “no right” to tell Americans to go back where they came from because “this is where we were all born.” Curro told the woman that Natives that were born on the continent were systemically exterminated and herded into “socially accepted pens,” so that argument didn’t hold much water with him.

“I just tell them it’s a good thing their ancestors weren’t asked for some piece of paper giving them permission to cross some imaginary line on a map,” Curro said.

After a pause, Curro added, “They don’t really like it being to them that way.”

“Here’s the bottom line to me,” Curro said, “I don’t really care where anyone is born. I don’t care how they get to my doorstep. If they’re not assholes, I’m going to be nice to them. Chances are, people who come to this country now are coming here for the same reasons that people came to the continent 300 years ago — to make better lives for themselves.”

Mr. Curro said that he was surprised by how many Americans actually weren’t offended and “totally got” what he was doing with his demonstration.

“The reality is that most people get that immigrants aren’t subhuman,” Curro said, “and in fact most people I told to go back where they came from laughed really hard. Most people get that borders aren’t the only thing that a country need to defend.”

“It needs to defend humane treatment of those who come across them,” he continued, “even illegally — because not all laws are created equal, and unless you’re truly stupid enough to believe someone is intentionally flooding our borders with murderers, rapists, and drug dealers, you understand what makes America truly great.”

We asked him to tell us, just in case we forgot, what makes America great.

“Diversity,” Curro said, adding, “there’s a reason that pure-bred dogs are beautiful but extremely dumb. The nature of evolution and existence in general is that through diversification, you get to select the best traits possible. If America closes its borders to Muslims or Mexicans, or any group, they’ll become a big, dumb, inbred dog. Maybe they’ll look okay, but boy will they be stupid.”

“In other words,” Curro finished, “an entire country of Mississippians. I don’t want that, you don’t want that. So shut the fuck up about immigrants already and celebrate freedom and independence by example, you twunts.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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