GREEN PORT, VIRGINIA — Tad Williams was not able to watch Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech at the 2016 Republican National Convention, because he was too busy being shot, stabbed, beaten, kicked, and left for dead in a mugging just a few blocks from his Virginia home.
And he’s not even remotely upset about it.
“You know, I remember as the fourth of five bullets entered me,” Tad told us, “that I kept just kept thinking to myself, ‘Well, at least I’m not at home watching Donald Trump angrily scream about non-existent crime waves’ and shit.” Mr. Williams said that as shocking as it was to be getting mugged in his city, where crime is at the same relative all-time lows that it is all across the country, he was truly relieved that between the mugging and the subsequent ambulance ride, he’d likely miss Trump’s entire speech.
Tad says that back in May he “accidentally” saw a Trump speech and had “wicked, fire burning diarrhea” for a week after. Two months prior, he had been listening to the radio and a Trump campaign ad that featured Mr. Trump’s voice prominently came on, inducing projectile vomit that caused him to crash his car. Mr. Williams says those experiences convinced him that “there is literally nothing on Earth worse than listening to Donald Trump talk.”
“So when I got cornered by my attacker, and he starts punching me and kicking me,” Tad told our reporter, “I asked him if I could just check my watch real quick. He said ‘Sure’ and stopped pummeling me long enough for me to check it. I saw that it was past the time Trump was supposed to start talking, so I breathed a sigh of relief and told my attacker to go ahead and finish up.”
As his mugging wrapped up, Tad was left for dead on the street. The summer night air tried to fill his lungs, but he was coughing blood with every breath. He said that even in those moments where he truly believed his life might be over, he found a glimmer of hope.
“I would die before Donald Trump was elected,” Tad said, “and I’d never have to feel that bitter, judgmental disappointment in millions of Americans who chose to vote for a half-witted, D-List alleged billionaire. If I was going to die, at least I’d die before the end of the Republic was brought on ironically by a Republican.”
Mr. Williams said that he’s waiting until after the election to say just how grateful he is to the doctors who saved his life.
“Hey, I mean, under most normal circumstances, I’d be really excited to still be alive,” Tad said, “but there’s still a chance that shart in an unconvincing toupee could wind up being elected. I’m pretty sure I’d have preferred the sweet release of death to living in a country with Donald Trump as its leader.”