WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though they’re still more than a year away, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA) has already begun previewing how things might change, should his party retake control of the House of Representatives in the 2022 mid-terms.
“Well, for starters, I’m not entirely sure we ever got to the bottom of the whole Benghazi thing. But then again, we also never figured out if President Obama farted that one time on purpose,” McCarthy told reporters, “and if that fart was a direct attack on the U.S. So for sure, we’ll be ramping up our investigations again.”
McCarthy also indicated that embattled and controversial Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) will not only be given her committee assignments back — she was removed from all of them earlier this year when social media posts surfaced in which she showed support for the QAnon conspiracy theory, and the murder of prominent Democrats. Leader McCarthy reported that not only would Ms. Greene be put back on every committee she was taken off, she’ll be given the chair of a brand new committee; one he says only Greene is uniquely qualified to head up.
“You know, I find it interesting, sad, but also quite telling that Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats love to talk about inclusion, but they leave people like Marjorie out in the cold,” McCarthy said, “and horse faced cave trolls are Americans who deserve representation, too. I think it’s high time Congress recognized our equine-featured troll population officially. So Marjorie will chair the House Horse Faced Cave Troll Committee should we retake it next year.”
Greene, who had been standing right next to McCarthy, smoking crack while he made his announcement, told reporters she is “bigly and completely thrilled” at the thought of running her own committee. She said that she and her fellow horse faced cave trolls have been looking forward to this moment for a long time, and she promised not to let any of them down.
“Let me make one thing clear — me being on committees, and even leading them, will not stop me from trolling. It’s what trolls do,” Greene promised. “I pledge that I will keep making cringeworthy videos of my attempts to own the libs, and that I will keep flying around to red states, hosting our MAGA klan rallies and generally being not much more than a gravelly-voiced attention whore. Because that’s what true blue American patriotism is all about, fam!”
In a cloud of crack smoke, Greene sauntered off.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.