Marco Rubio Stops by WalMart on the Way Home for Job Application

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WEST MIAMI, FLORIDA — After failing to win a single, solitary delegate in either Mississippi, Michigan, Hawaii or Idaho, many in D.C. are calling on Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) to suspend his presidential campaign. If Rubio does that, his future will be a little uncertain, as he has already given up his Senate seat, and reporters caught up with Marco as he was apparently planning for his uncertain job prospects.

“I, uh, came here to pick up a job app,” Rubio told members of the media outside a West Miami area WalMart. Senator Rubio told the reporters he was hoping for either a cashier or stocking warehouse job, but that he’d even take a greeter’s position as long as it gave him the six-figure income he’d gotten used to as a senator. When reporters told him that Walmart’s greeters make nowhere near that much, Rubio’s face grew long. “But, how am I supposed to live on that kind of wage,” Rubio demanded, “I mean, the Waltons have more money than God, why can’t they and their stockholders take a smaller dividend to help us little people out?”

Somewhere in the distance, a loud thunderclap was heard, and scientists later determined it was God falling out of her chair from the irony of Rubio’s question about a working wage.

“Let’s just dispel this myth right now that Marco Rubio is above taking a minimum wage job,” Rubio said, “clearly the American people think I’m not ready to handle much more than that, so that’s what I’m going to do. And let’s just dispel this myth right now that Marco Rubio…” he repeated the same sentence four more times until his wife reset the DIP switch on the back of his head.

Mr. Rubio told the press he wasn’t going to limit his employment opportunities to just Walmart either.

“I’m going to stop by Hardee’s, McDonald’s, Target, and Taco Bell too,” Rubio said, “because surely someone out there wants me to work for them. Right? I mean, I’m not such a toxic, poisonous douche knuckle with weird religious beliefs about rape victims that literally no one wants me around right?”

Rubio also took the time to address the fact that his poll numbers were sagging in his own home state.

“Let’s just dispel this myth right now that even my homestate hates me,” Rubio said, “they don’t hate me. They just don’t like me, think I’m a smarmy politician, and have no interest in me being in their government or representing them in any way, shape or form. But does that really mean they hate me?”

The Florida primary will be held on March 15th. Current polling shows Donald Trump with a commanding lead over the field.

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