Hell Does Not Welcome Colin Powell as a Liberator

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HELL — When recently deceased former Secretary of State and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell’s soul made it to its final resting place, it was greeted quite warmly, indeed.

“Hi, Colin! Really great to see you! We’ve been expecting you for quite sometime,” Terry “Lucifer” Magilicuddy said to Powell as he reached Hell’s reception lounge. “I’d say about…well, how long has it been since the Iraq War broke out? The second one, I mean.”

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A confused Powell told Lucifer by his recollection a “couple of decades” had passed since he and the other top officials in the George W. Bush presidential administration successfully pitched the idea of invading Iraq in response to the terrorist attacks on 9/11 to the American public. The ensuing Iraq War is largely considered one of America’s most unnecessary wars of choice, costing thousands of Americans, and Iraqis — both civilian and combat soldiers — their lives. The assurances by Powell and others that Iraq’s despotic leader had an active and frightening, growing stockpile of “weapons of mass destruction,” however, never came to fruition.

“Wait. Why…why am I here, exactly,” Powell asked Lucifer. “I’m honestly quite unsure how I ended up in this place.”

Lucifer laughed.

“You’re honestly unsure? Well, shit, Colin, that’s about the first time I’ve seen you be honest in, well, ever,” Lucifer explained. “See, the Big Guy up there? He doesn’t tend to give free passes to people whose lies cause unnecessary wars and scores of innocent people to die. Silly, I know. But hey, those are his rules, not mine.”

Powell didn’t receive all bad news today, however. At least his soul won’t be lonely.

“Hey, cheer up, dude! At least your buddies are here. Nancy and Ron are already playing racquetball with George and Barbara,” Lucifer announced. “And believe me, Condie will be joining you at some point. I’m not sure about Dick Cheney, because the rules on whether sentient murder robots can go to the afterlife aren’t all that clear to me, so we’ll see how that works out. Dick Nixon said he’d love to play bridge with you later, too.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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