Gym Jordan: “Sure Trump Broke the Law, But What Right Do the American People Have to Know the Details?”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the House Judiciary Committee held a hearing on whether or not to send a resolution holding Attorney General William Barr in contempt of Congress.

At issue, Democrats believe Barr has been stonewalling efforts to get the unredacted Mueller Report and its underlying evidence from the Department of Justice. The hearing comes days after Barr pulled out of testimony before the same committee last week, citing the fact that Democrats wanted to have an outside counsel question him. However, Democrats pointed out that Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser was questioned by outside counsel during his confirmation hearing. Just before the hearing began, President Trump claimed executive privilege over the Mueller Report.

One of Barr’s most vociferous defenders was Congressman Gym Jordan of Ohio. Jordan, a Republican, and several of his Republican colleagues, spent the majority of the hearing railing against the idea of holding Barr in contempt. Jordan insisted that Democrats are wanting to “destroy” Barr and his credibility because he believes they are afraid of what Barr will uncover while he investigates the origins of the Mueller investigation. Some on the Hill have started to question whether Jordan feels more loyalty to Trump and his political party than he does the country and its Constitution.

Moments ago, our reporter caught up Gym Jordan, and asked him about the hearing. Jordan said he is “100% on the side of the American people,” but “really only the ones who love Trump with all their hearts.” Jordan admitted that the actual contents of the Mueller Report “certainly show several places where Trump broke the law,” but Jordan defended Trump’s actions, saying he was “super-duper sad and upset about being investigated.” Beyond Trump’s state of mind and emotional state, however, Jordan says there’s a larger reason he doesn’t want House Democrats, or the American public, to see the unredacted report or its supporting evidence.

“The bottom line for me is really very simple,” Jordan told our reporter, “Sure, Trump broke the law, but what right do the American people have to know the details?”

An obviously flustered, and possibly coked-up Jordan, continued.

“I mean, seriously, what do these liberal whackaloon crazy Democrats think this is, a free society where people have a right to know if their president is a manifestly lawless, self-evidently corrupt person who abuses his authority with reckless disregard for the rule of law,” Jordan demanded. “I’m sorry, but the Constitution doesn’t give you the right to hold your president accountable. It gives that right to Congress, and I’m a Congress! I’m a Congress! I AM A CONGRESS! SO THEREFORE IF I DON’T WANNA, I DON’T GOTTA!”

Jordan, really upset, just kept on going.

“Yes, of course the Mueller Report makes it clear that Trump has and will continue to break the law whenever he wants to, but who cares? Seriously, who cares? I asked all my friends and family and they don’t care. So what makes you uppity libs think you have a right to know how, exactly he broke the law? And what’s the point? We Republicans aren’t even going to admit that we see the plain truth in front of us, even though you’re rubbing our noses in it like so many Russian piss whores, after they finish their jobs.”

“I’m frankly really upset at the idea that anyone would even want to see the Mueller Report after we’ve spent so much time telling you what you should think is in it,” Jordan insisted. “Trump isn’t Hillary Clinton. He doesn’t deserve to have his actions called into question! He’s a Republican, and therefore, I’m pretty sure the Constitution says pretty clearly he’s not subject to checks or balances!”

No one could stop Jordan, if they wanted to.

“Sure, no one is above the law, I get that. In theory, I believe that, but I mean, you know, REPUBLICAN PARTY, TAXES ARE THEFT,” Jordan was shouting, “OBAMA HATES GUNS! OH SHIT! I ALMOST FORGOT, AND THIS WILL BE MY FINAL WORD ON ALL OF THIS NONSENSE: BENGHAZI!”

Gym Jordan snapped his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and ignored charges of sexual misconduct.

Also: Trump Gives Tiger Woods Presidential Medal Of Adultery

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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