5 Year Old Guatemalan Girl Pretty Adorable In Her Wee Cage Inside Her Sweet Little Concentration Camp

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RIO DE VERGONZOSO, TEXAS — She’s frightened, terrified, even. She’s lonely most of the time, and she’s convinced at this point she may never see her parents again. But even five year old Consuela Mayor has to admit that she looks pretty frigging adorable in the cage President Donald Trump wants her to live in, instead of with her mother and father.

“I am not sure when or if I will ever be reunited with my mother and father, but with that being said, I have to admit I’m pretty cute here in my little convicted felon outfit,” Consuela tells us through an interpreter. “I guess if you’re going to be the victim of human rights atrocities, you might as well look super duper cute doing it, know what I mean?”

Thirteen days ago, Mayor and her two parents and sister started the trek from Guatemala to the United States. Consuela says her family was fleeing gang violence and a lack of economic opportunity, which she said she doesn’t quite fully get being just five years old, but the overall gist is that they were coming to America to make a better life for themselves.

“I’m only five, so some of this stuff went way over my head, but my dad and mom were comforting themselves about the dangerous trip with the knowledge that they’d be laying down roots for future generations of my family to thrive,” Consueala said. “But then, they caught us and they pulled me away from my mom and dad and sister. I cried a lot at first, and actually I still cry most of the time. But every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I can’t help but notice I do look like a really cute greeting card waiting to happen if someone just comes up with the right caption.”

She was unable to locate her dad before Father’s Day, so Consuela was one of hundreds of detained migrant children who sent cards to the last known location of their father, where they were separated from them.

“Hopefully he gets it. I’ve been very sad without his stories every night before bed,” Consuela said. “But geez, just look how absolutely cute as a button I am in my little cage here!”

In the end, Mayor says she is trying to “be as reasonable as possible.”

“Sure I could grow up with deep, bitter resentment toward this country for cruelly punishing me under the auspices of processing my parents for what is, on the books, a misdemeanor,” Consuela said. “And I am for sure the victim of unspeakable human rights violations here, but, well, man am I just absolutely delightful in this little baby concentration camp they set up for us here?”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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