Dick Cheney: ‘I Write For People Who Love to Read Books Full of Bullsh*t’

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Harbor Bay, North Carolina — Former Vice-President Dick Cheney can list many jobs on his resume — from Senator to Chairman and CEO of Haliburton to the Vice-President of the United States of America. Cheney can now add “Thrice Published Author” to that list. The Wyoming Republican — who’s mostly machine now than human — is set to release his third book, “Exceptional: Why the World Needs a Powerful America,” and reportedly this book takes direct aim at the foreign policy of President Barack H. Obama.

The Political Garbage Chute caught up with Cheney as he was preparing for a book tour stop in Harbor Bay, North Carolina. The automaton that was once just a heartbeat away from the Oval Office agreed to sit down with our field reporter for a quick interview.

The Political Garbage Chute: Thank you, Mr. Cheney for taking the time to meet with us.

Dick Cheney: I am programmed to respond favorably to attention, so it was not a difficult choice for my logic algorithm to make, and you’re welcome.

TPGC: So, Mr. Cheney, let’s talk about your new book, “Exceptional: Why the World Needs a Powerful America.” What made you decide to write it?

DC: Well, for starters, I figured I am probably one of a handful of the most qualified people on Earth to talk about foreign policy with any kind of real expertise. I mean, I don’t want to be bragadocious here, but Rummy used to call me King Midas. Because everything I touched turned to gold.

TPGC: You mean to say that you and Donald Rumsfeld feel your endeavors while a part of the George W. Bush administration were all sucessfull?

DC: Yes.

TPGC: Even the wars?

DC: Especially the wars.

TPGC: Even the Iraq War?

DC: Most especially the Iraq War.

TPGC: So that’s why you wrote this latest book critical of Obama’s policies; because you have such a clear track-record of success?

DC: Well, I mean, you have to define “success.” Because sure, if you look at the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars from purely clinical, unbiased points of view they were utterly disastrous. The Afghan War? Maybe that was semi-justified, but we took our eye off the ball and wound-up leaving Bin Laden in place. You know, that a-hole Obama has never called either George or I to thank us for spending trillions of dollars and leaving Bin Laden for him to clean up? I mean, we gave him one of his best 2012 campaign lines ever, and he jerk face has never thanked us. What was I saying?

TPGC: You were talking about the definition of success.

DC: Oh yes. So by “traditional” definitions of success, the Bush Doctrine failed hard. But I don’t write books for people who have an accurate view of history and the times we live in. I write for people who know the truth as we conservatives know it, not the truth as liberals think they know it. In other words, I write books for people who love to read books full of bullshit.

TPGC: So you know and understand how ironic it is to so many that you — of all people — would write a book chastising anyone for their foreign policies?

DC: Of course. I’m a war monger, not a war moron-ger.

TPGC: But you wrote the book anyway.

DC: Definitely. Because I know that the people who will buy this book, and that will believe a shred of it, will be the same people who think slavery had little or nothing to do with the Civil War. The people who think racism is dead in America because you can’t lynch a black man with impunity anymore? They’re going to buy my book. The people who all believed in 2012 that the polls were skewed and Romney would win because of “momentum” — they’re the people buying my book. The people who think that man-made global climate change is either a myth or overblown by hippie-dippie tree huggers? They’re buying my book.

TPGC: So in other words it’s the people who —

DC: Are completely untethered from reality, yes. The people who say you can’t criticize top-down, supply side economics because “Trickle Down” is just a nickname for their economic theory; they’re buying my book. The people who think that freedom and liberty are great unless you’re using your freedom and liberty to love whomever you want — they’re going to buy this book. The people who genuinely think the rest of the country is trying to take Christmas away from them are going to line up in droves for this book.

TPGC: And it doesn’t bother you that you’ve made money off the backs of people who don’t deal in reality and instead are deluding themselves into believing in a version of the world that simply does not exist?

DC: Here, let me get my bank account on the phone and you can ask how sad it is about all that.

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