DEA Agent in Colorado Explains Why the Drug War Has Totally Kept People off Pot

Published on

DENVER, COLORADO — Henry Jorgenson has been an member of the Drug Enforcement Agency since 1995. Despite the growing sentiment in the country that at least certain aspects of the so-called “War on Drugs” have been failures, and even though states like the one he lives in have moved to legalize the recreational use of marijuana, Jorgenson feels those criticisms are empty.

“I think the War on Drugs has clearly kept people off pot,” he told us, “I mean, you never hear of any famous musicians, athletes, or politicians enjoying marijuana these days, do you?”

We showed Agent Jorgenson pictures of Miley Cyrus, gold medal Olympian swimmer Michael Phelps, and President Barack Obama, all of whom have admitted to smoking pot either presently, or quite voraciously in the past in Obama’s case. Jorgenson took a few moments to study the pictures.

“Okay, sure, fine, but look at cocaine. When’s the last time you saw people doing coke,” he asked indignantly.

We showed him a picture of the City of Hollywood, Miami Beach, and the country of Colombia. Jorgenson again took a few minutes to think. He scratched at his chin.

“Alright. So people are still pretty much using pot and coke whenever they want,” Jorgenson said, before raising his finger in the air, “but HEROIN! Now there’s a drug that’s totally on its way out, right?”

Then our reporter took out her smart phone and Googled, “Maine heroin epidemic.” Jorgenson said that was just one state and didn’t mean anything. So our reporter googled “New Jersey heroin epidemic.” That was only two out of fifty states, Jorgenson objected. Our reporter showed him a New York Timearticle that cited a 39% increase in heroin-related deaths, among other alarming stats.

“Well, goddamn it. Okay, what about meth,” Jorgenson asked. Our reporter simply showed him an episode of “Breaking Bad” and asked him if he thought that show would have been so popular if meth wasn’t part of American culture at the moment. Agent Jorgenson didn’t reply.

When our interviewer asked Jorgenson if he thought the rise of prescription pill abuse showed a blind spot in the DEA’s focus on mostly “street drugs.” Agent Jorgenson scoffed at this question.

“Umm, no. Those are doctor drugs, and doctor drugs are different,” he told us. When asked what makes them different he said, “Because we’d be locking up a lot more white people for drug offenses, duh-doy!”

We asked Agent Jorgenson where he was headed after the interview. He told us he was headed to a local micro brew pub that he goes to every Wednesday to “get totally fucked-up drinking.” He also said he was going to stop by a liquor store and buy a pack of smokes.

Irony couldn’t be reached for comment.

Latest articles

Jesus Told Me Only “Fascist Incel Dorks” Don’t Like Separation of Church and State

"We told them to pay Caesar what's due to Caesar for a reason. Me-stianity...

Once I Learned to Read, I Realized The Left Actually Can and Does Meme

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump White House official Dustin...

God Told Me Oklahoma Kids Will Be ‘Stupid as Fuck’ After the Bible is Taught in Schools

" they really think it covers me in glory to have a bunch of...

Someone Accidentally Sent Me a Copy of The Biden/Trump Debate Questions

Don't ask me how it happened, but it would appear that someone at CNN...